GREY MATTERS: Today’s Older Gay Man
This is my 50th Grey Matters column. Being nearly 25 years into this new century, I think it’s doubly time for a snapshot of today’s older gay man, and our day-to-day lives.
The daily coffee group dresses practically, not fashionably. Conversation centres on medical issues, deaths, shopping discounts, fare evaders, Judi Dench and young people with no interest in history.
Some no longer drive, we travel between known toilet stops, and we no longer seek out gay-owned businesses.
More deaths seemingly surround us than at the height of the AIDS epidemic. I see soulmate partners of multiple decades decimated by the loss of their other half.
We’re downsizing our homes and facing the emotional loss of years of collecting DVDs, CDs, antiques, books, figurines, etc, as we seek new homes for such cherished items.
We are the medical profession’s ‘bread and butter’ as we endlessly have blood tests, our prostate examined, every corner of us x-rayed, prodded and probed and conduct our day around these appointments.
But it’s old age and infirmity that frightens us most, particularly where nursing homes reactivate fears of returning to the closet.
And who will be there to ensure our last wishes are undertaken? It’s as difficult as finding a younger Executor who won’t be dead before you are. Sadly, some homophobia continues.
The good news is that Daddies are still in high demand at gay saunas and on dating apps. I share lunches, movies and musicals with like-minded friends; I’m a mentor to younger men; I’m a keeper and explorer of gay history. I belong to mainstream clubs and organisations. I can get married – and divorced.
The greatest challenge — though not limited to my age group, but is sadly universal — is loneliness. Along with isolation and the lack of human touch like hugging, it too often defines the lives of both young and old.
Are we better off than 25 years ago?
Gay legislation and support groups – yes. But for older gay men, there are still struggles and memories that haunt us.
