Letters – issue 1043

Letters – issue 1043

SLEAZY BEHAVIOUR

I attended Sleaze, a party I have not been to for some years now.

It was roughly what I expected — some fantastic shows, amazing dress-ups from the punters, ordinary lighting and mostly mediocre music (though Sveta was great, ditto Baby Bear).

So far, so-so.

The security seemed extreme, with people’s hairspray, essential oils, spirit gum, etc being confiscated at the door, and a very noticeable police presence.

Yet for all that I didn’t feel like I was in a safe space, that is, a space where I was safe to be who I am, however this was expressed.

Let me explain — I have tits, some would say large ones, and they were painted up and on display.

For some reason, it didn’t occur to me that this would be a problem at all. Noticeable, yes, but with a gold birdcage perched on my head I didn’t really mind being looked at anyway.

I have danced about near-naked many, many times at queer/leather events without encountering much in the way of sleazy (i.e. bad sleazy) behaviour, so I didn’t factor in the possibility of constant groping when considering my outfit for a GLBTQ etc party. Silly me.

“Boobies!” I would hear, as some random man hurled himself at my chest, at least one hand grabbing at whatever flesh he could get hold of before I pried his fingers away. “Great tits!” and another attack. Believe me, it was constant.

“You can’t just molest people,” I would point out, to the usual response of “But I’m gay”. Oh, I see. You are gay, so you can molest women.

How the bleep does that equation work? Sexual assault laws don’t apply to you? You have a free pass that allows you to pinch any nipple you like, even when the person it belongs to a) hasn’t consented in any way (not  even a wink, a smile, a nod), and b) is asking you not to, and moving your hand away?

And to the one “I’m a lesbian and I love breasts” lady out the back — how wonderful for you, but that doesn’t mean you can assault mine. Really, it doesn’t.

Unfortunately, such incidents are not isolated. I posted my experiences on my Facebook wall, and was met with (public and private) responses from many women in the community who will no longer attend such events due to the constant harassment and groping should they wear anything at all revealing. I don’t blame them a bit. I go to dance parties to dance.

Of course I love to flirt and have the odd dancefloor pash or ‘cuddle’ too, but these are consensual.

So, where to from here? There is a bunch of women who do not feel safe or comfortable attending large ‘community’ events, and I would not be surprised at all if it was not only women who were subject to unwanted attention (but perhaps boys are not as likely to feel at ease complaining about being touched up inappropriately — everyone knows all gay boys want all the sexual contact they can get, if I have my myths right?).

Are we supposed to just grin and bear it as the price we pay for being at these  parties? Do we need to find a security person every time someone manhandles us on the dancefloor so we can report it, thereby ending up spending half the night engaged with the authorities?

Should we tip the offenders’ drinks over them? Slap their faces (yes, that would be assault, I know)?

Are we just supposed to not go to big events, or be very careful in our choice of outfits when we do? Do we need to bring our own bodyguards?

I think a community education campaign is in order, perhaps run by one or more of the big organisations such as NMG or ACON.

It would be of benefit if clubs and events could promote the idea that, no, even if your chemicals are really good and you love everybody, even if you are gay, lesbian, really pissed, the person is wearing a corset, chaps, jockstrap or whatever you think is sexy — even then it is not okay to violate people’s boundaries and sexually molest anyone you please.

Consent is required, and if you don’t think you know what this looks like, then all you have to do is ask (and respect the answer).

It’s a big enough and ugly enough world out there without having to be on guard at all times when in spaces that belong to the community too.

— Cath

COMMUNITY MALAISE

Sleaze is not the only thing to die of late. In recent years we all seem to have fractured and unconnected as minority groups e.g. it’s all right for me and likeminded — stuff the others, we don’t need each other now.

This attitude may come back to haunt the community if right-wing parties begin to take control of Parliament. How horrible to give away all that so many of us fought for by being many splintered groups. A great saying — divide and conquer.
I implore New Mardi Gras to save Mardi Gras. It is really the only major gay  attraction in this part of the world and gives us an international flavour.

There are many beaches and great tourist attractions between the northern hemisphere and Oz. Let’s keep Mardi Gras a magnet for all the potentially wonderful visitors to our spectacular city.

— Fred

MOVING FORWARD?

According to major Australian newspapers, in June 2007, a Galaxy poll showed 71 per cent of Australians agree that same-sex partners should have the same legal rights as de facto heterosexual couples.

The last census indicated that there are at least 50,000 same-sex couples in the country, even though the Bureau of Statistics admits the actual figure would be higher than that due to the way information is recorded.

Countries including Canada, the Netherlands, Sweden, Belgium, Norway, Spain, South Africa, Mexico, Portugal, Israel and many states in the United States now recognise same-sex marriage. Even Catholic Argentina has now legalised same-sex marriages.

Thus, when the leader of the Opposition, Tony Abbott, declares that he is inclined to allow the members of his party to have a conscience vote on the Green’s Marriage (Equality) Amendment Bill in the Senate, it makes no sense that Julia Gillard does not do the same. It is already disappointing that instead of leading in principle, she decides to toe the conservative Labor Party’s members’ views that same-sex couples should be treated as second-class citizens.

If Ms Gillard really believes Australia should be moving forward, here’s a chance to prove it.

— Hédimo

TOO LONG

Tom’s right (Letters, SSO 1042). Bob Brown should demand gay marriage, or force the country back to the polls.

Bob’s been Greens leader for too long, and if he won’t give us what we want, he should step down and allow someone who will.

— Stuart

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13 responses to “Letters – issue 1043”

  1. Dear Cath,
    I have been asked to respond; I was initially not going to comment on some of the rather vituperative and somewhat termagent posts. Several risable analogies and flights of imagination do however need to be corrected. Some observations follow.

    Interestingly for the publishers of our community newspapers, although there is a core readership, the numbers [about 30,000 for both papers, many duplicated] are not reflective of the wider community. Readership is perhaps as low as 20%(?) of the community at large. How to penetrate the community is a good question. As usual, letter writers are just the sharp end of a silent majority.

    I agree with Cath that harassment – what I called manners – is a big issue; one getting a great deal of attention [e.g. David Jones.] There is obviously, from all the comments, a dichotomy in the community about what behaviour is expected and on touching / harassment. Is it really men / women – “Men are from Mars, women from Venus”? I do not know, but I do not think so, as it applies to all.

    As to the inane comments about my suggestion that there be a men’s space at NMG events… My thoughts were only for equality of treatment. To even suggest that I “don’t think men, even gay ones, can be in the same venue as women without trying to assault them” is egregious and abhorrent, and says more about that person’s thoughts on men. It is the thought that men cannot control themselves in the presence and beauty of women that is, I understand, one reason behind the impost of women being covered in public. Precisely why I think that unnecessary, even an insult, and an unsatisfactory solution to assault in our society. I hope you agree.

    And to those who asked; yes I was at Sleaze, in appropriate (un)dress, leaving at 7am. And a good time was had without implied powders, pills or potions. Bare chested myself, I wore a short kilt, an outfit that I knew I would be safe wearing at Hellfire, down the street, or at a nightclub. I was however prepared that, pasteurized as it is, things would be different at Sleaze. I believe you would say I deserved the attention, but unwanted approaches and gropes [many from women, harassment I believe now] were just kindly turned away. No sour grapes here, and I felt no need to start a campaign. Mea culpa, indeed mea maxima culpa, that I did not equate Sleaze Ball and its dress with say the Aurora Ball. We all know better now.

    It will be interesting to see what happens in the future. I left the NMG forum with the feeling that changes were being planned; I got the impression that there is life in Sleaze yet – I hope that is so.

    If ACON and NMG are going to educate people, they will need to educate the whole state, since it was not just gay men, but gay women, and being Sleaze, presumably straight men and women as well, who were touching/harassing inappropriately. I look forward to seeing the campaign; one that ensures that a person’s behaviour [and dress?] is the same whether walking in the ballroom, boardroom, down the street, barechested at the beach, or at Sleaze.

  2. So gay men are to blame as usual, they see large breasts and suddenly become pigs like hetros. give me a break Cath, we don’t need a campaign it will fall on deaf ears, another being told how to act. More political correctness! To assume it is just gay men that are doing it is offensive. It’s as bad as these lesbian jokes I hear gay men saying which are revolting. Men get their penises groped so we need a campaign for that too! If you don’t want your breasts touched, educate the security guards to thrown the idiots out that do that, gay or not. I will not touch a woman’s breast at these things, if they 100% asked me to I would still think twice, but education to tell them not to do it – more controls on a group that is controlled enough already.

  3. Hi Baz,

    Thanks for your comments. Would like to make the point that the majority of the young people there were VERY respectful and polite, for example, asking before they took photos and saying things like ‘I don’t want to be rude, but I just wanted to tell you that you look beautiful!’ before leaving me to enjoy my night. Every instance of actual hands-on groping that I remember was made by people WELL over twenty-five! (Except maybe the booby-loving lesbian.) Think that perhaps a lot of the younger crew grew up with a culture of actively discussing consent from an early age, whether in school or in queer groups at uni or through accessing services such as Twenty10, or even through the constant stream of media attention to cases of sexual harrassment and the like, and are more versed in the idea of asking BEFORE touching and that there may be consequences if you do. Maybe the rise of explicitly ‘queer’ events, with their often unwritten yet fully known expectations that ALL people will be treated respectfully (whether you want to shag them or not, whether they are abled bodied or not, whether they are hairy or muscly or naked or fat or black or white or femme or butch or tran* or bisexual or camp or whatever) has contributed too. Such spaces are created by people who WILL call you on your shit, not just shrug off casual violations or sexism or racism etc.

    I don’t know why this message has not reached some of the older crowd members though. Surely in their workplaces they don’t just grope any cleavage within reach, or molest topless women at the beach? Perhaps, gay or not, they grew up more in a time when it was quite acceptable to be openly sexist, and women where still seen as objects there for the tactile pleasures and sensual service of any man who wanted them. Perhaps, being gay, many of the messages aimed at straight men re harrassment and appropriate behaviours and consent, did not reach them. Perhaps, as odd as it may seem, we DO need to have some sort of campaign to educate these particular ‘gay men’ that non-consensual groping of women (or anyone else) IS NOT ON. I don’t know that it so much a case of growing up as it is of evolving!

    Cheers, and thanks again to everyone who has contributed so far.

    Mwahs!

  4. To Baz, Respectfully, I hope that the drawing board will show that the two demographics can co-exist with appropriate education regarding personal body space and consent before touching.

  5. Despite the disappointing crowd at Sleaze it was reported with some enthusiasm (even by NMG themselves) that there was a greater presence of women and younger people at this years party. Congratulations I thought, but from Cath’s unfortunate experience maybe the two demographics don’t work together. Back to the drawing board I’m afraid.

  6. Thanks Cath for publicising that this inappropriate behaviour is increasing and that it is not acceptable.

    At the first ever gay dance party I attended my breasts were a source of constant admiration. So much so, by the end of the night, the people I attended with were tired of people disrupting us. BUT it was polite admiration, compliments AND requests to “blow raspberries” on them. It was SO polite no one could really complain, it was the frequency and consistency that was off putting, though that is REALLY not something to be upset about.
    It was all polite, consensual and fun. I was never once touched without being asked. I fell in love with dance parties that night! :-D

    Since then I had noticed the change in attitude which was disappointing. I love attending parties where myself and others are topless or wearing minimal clothing. I do not go out to be groped whether I have my top on or off. I remember commenting to a friend that “If I wanted to go dancing in a place where everyone had to have a top on, and I was going to be pinched on the ass by someone I did not know, I could go to something like the Fiddler. With much less fuss.”
    I once even had a security man comment on my breasts a number of times. Then he was seemingly following me from area to area, I moved areas a couple of times, frequently, to check. I then advised an organiser, who checked with him if he had told me “You have the largest breasts I have ever seen.”, he was moved to the door for the remainder of the night. Having to report inappropriate behaviour does certainly take away from the fun of a good night out.

    I have not attended a dance party for a couple of years, for other reasons, so I am saddened to hear this bad attitude has grown.

    I hope your message gets across, so fun nights out can be had by all.

    Thanks Cath.

  7. Cath,

    Sorry you had an awful time. We get breasts out (and all sorts of other bits in funny types of contraptions) at The Hellfire Club, so we try and help things along ourselves with some visible rules up on every wall/toilet door. We call them the “Top 6 Ways to Ruin Your Night at Hellfire”. The first rule is:
    “1) Touch anyone without express permission and we throw you out.”

    It wouldn’t too hard for other parties to follow suit. Of course it does need to be backed up with hosts who actually are on patrol all night, keeping their eyes peeled. I often introduce myself to any ladies wearing particularly exposed outfits and suggest that if they have any hassles in my venue to catch my eye. Sometimes I’m even fast enough to head unwanted contact off at the pass.

  8. Cath, thank you for writing about your experiences at Sleaze. Good on you for being proactive and making a stand and good on SSO for putting your words out here.

    I’m standing with you as well, for the call out for some community education regarding touch consent and what personal body space means.

    Sorry to hear this happened to you. Let’s hope the people who need to step up, step up.

  9. Cath, it’s become a sad thing when the parties we fought for and started have become an over-policed, over-regulated location for closetted hetrosexuals (it was the drugs that made him not Gay, really) to pick up tail. Sexual assault in our community is (generally) under-reported and/or swept under the carpet, because we’re all ‘easy’ people aren’t we? We all just go to these events to pick-up anything we can, isn’t that right? (please note the sarcasm). Also, to report it would obviously just show straights that we can’t ‘police’ ourselves and therefore should have those in blue inside with us in larger numbers. At the end of the day it is encumbent upon NMG, or any organisation who runs a large event like this, to educate their attendees and to ensure that not only are SAFE spaces provided, but that the security of patrons is ensured by vigilance and by instantly acting on any reports. It is also encumbant upon us (as patrons) to instantly report any instances of inappropriate behaviour regardless of who it is or how ‘off their chops’ they might be. It’s for our safety, and *their* safety as well.

  10. Cath, I’m really sorry to hear about your experience. Regardless of sexuality or gender, the rules should be the same. If you want to touch, ask (preferably make eye contact first). If the answer is yes, yay. If you hear no, respect that, and move on. Easy.

  11. Cath, I was really upset to hear about your experience at Sleaze. Regardless of sexuality or gender, the rules should be the same: if you want to touch someone, make eye contact and ask. And be ready to listen to the answer… If it’s yes, hurrah. If it’s no, respect that and move on. Easy.

  12. Well said Cath. I no longer attend gaystream dance parties like Sleaze because every time I have attended I have been sexually harassed. I have had my rubber polished in strategic spots. My breasts have been groped and my nipple rings tugged on by men and women. I have even been restrained in a bear hug by a stranger – all without my consent. There is absolutely no excuse for these violations. Being gay is not a licence to grope. Look with your eyes and not with your hands.