Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Oh, someone just broke your heart? Big deal. I just made a grammatical error on this page, that’s embarrassingly permanent. You can suck it up princess and get over your meagre little problems. This may be your horror-scope but this is my horror-scope page, so stop thinking about yourself for once. Here is some advice if you have a partner: don’t just tell her or him that he or she is beautiful. Make him or her believe it. Then slap her or his arse and tell them to keep up the good f*cking work.

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your three-step plan for an amazing love life this year goes as follows. Plan A: marry hot guy. Plan B: Marry average guy that can cook. Plan C: Ramen noodles. Financially, your bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness and when it comes your career it is best to learn from the mistakes of others who have taken your advice. And on a final note, you’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now you may as well call them traditions now.

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The solution to your problem with alcohol and seeing your colleagues on the weekend is to tell everyone at work you have a twin, so that when they see you in public they won’t know if it is you stumbling in the gutter. As for your love life, be wary of what you ask for. Something that will “take your breath away” will probably land you with someone giving a treadmill rather than the romantic night out you where hoping for. With your health, they say that laughter is the best medicine, but I’d argue that it’s bacon. And maybe chocolate.

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

I’ve done the maths. You have probably wasted a solid year of your life just staring into the fridge and for a someone who can’t figure out how a remote works, you sure have a lot of advice for strangers on social media. But here is some advice to help improve the advice you give other people: “eat like no one is watching”. Or if you are playing the therapist, try: “Have you tried just eating a tonne of pizza?” Use it next time you are dishing out advice to strangers. Don’t fear, I don’t expect credit for it.

Aries

March 21 – April 19

I may be wrong, but I doubt it. This month isn’t going to be good for you. It’s time to stop being a whiney little bitch and eat the f*cking gluten or what ever you are claiming to be allergic to this month. As for your love life it’s a bit messed up. On one hand you’ll screw a stranger, but on the other you won’t even use a loved one’s toothbrush. It might be time to accidentally miss the freeway exit for home and head in a new direction to start a new life. But before you do here is a fun game to play: it’s called put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Being a male is a matter of birth, being a man is a matter of age, but being a gentleman is a matter of choice. The same goes for being female, a woman and a lady. It would be good for you to remember that this month as you enter the holiday period. You will also find this month that getting out of bed was the worst mistake most days. If that’s not bad enough, with all your new year’s resolutions you will find that if you’re tired of starting over, it is time you stop giving up in the first place. It really won’t be a good month for you otherwise and as much as you sometimes wish you could just fast forward through time just to see if it’s all worth it in the end… it probably won’t be.

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

I don’t know why you are always disappointed when you find out a celebrity crush is married or in a relationship. As if that was your only obstacle to being together. And as much as other horoscopes will make you believe that life is a gift, the reality is, you never get the one you really wanted. As for your future career in the new year, don’t be afraid to dream. Reality’s not going anywhere. As for your love life, there is a reason you’re single and it’s called your face. But if you are really desperate for something good this month, remember that even though money can’t buy happiness it can buy puppies and that’s very close to happiness.

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

For you petal, this month being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn’t want to go to in the first place. And while you are out at those places it would be good for you to remember that a man went to the moon and only took five pictures, so maybe you should cut down those 47 selfies for your trips to the bathroom, sweetheart. Money wise this month you would be keen to learn how to budget your whole weekly wage as well as you do so often with the last 50 bucks of it. For those of you who are single, don’t be upset that you’re single. Be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.

Leo

July 23 – August 22

With your love life this month If you want to date someone who spoils you, always says how beautiful you are and never thinks you’ve had enough to eat… Here is a tip: date your grandma. As for life in general I can definitely imagine you as a tiny helpless baby. Mainly because you do such a good job at being a large helpless man or woman. But before you complain that the world around you is crumbling into a pile of poo around you, remember if life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Good news petal, it’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home. But as you are driving home to be alone from the bottle-o remember that blinky light on each side of your car? It’s there so the rest of us know what direction you’re going aim your death machine. Use it. Better still, chances are you should always stick to the lane you are in as stupidity needs its own lane. As for your love life, in the new year you can only hope your significant other or future significant other will love you as much as those extra fries you unexpectedly find at the bottom of a McDonald’s bag.

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Sure you have your doubts about the legitimacy of these horror-scopes, but we must believe in things that are sometimes hard to believe. Remember, Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either. Here is a life tip: stop taking those “which 90s cartoon are you?” quizzes. You’re a f*cking grown up. Stop it. Right now. But in all seriousness petal, be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious. And when life throws you curveballs, swing at those mofos like you’re Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You would be good to remember that hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don’t even like and this month if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me. I’ll do it for you. Haha–no, not really, I don’t want you having my number. It is time that you had a good long sit-down to contemplate the realisation that you were probably dropped as a baby. As for your love life you will experience many feelings this month, but it will mostly be hunger.

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