At a loss

As is the case every February, my to-do list is quickly becoming a have-done list, and my number of memory cells seems to be shrinking each day.

Things that I can remember doing so far: laughing at the Launch; dancing at Deckbar; celebrity shoulder-rubbing at the launch of the AIDS Trust’s Decca; getting smashed at the Film Festival opening night; lasting nearly 12 hours, gorgeous family in tow, at Sunday’s Fair Day.

Phew. With all the relentless fabulousness that is working at the SSO at Mardi Gras time, it’s no wonder I’ve been spending a bit of downtime on the couch.

And with my long history of crap TV obsessions, it has come as no surprise to my nearests and dearests that I am currently in lust and love with The Biggest Loser.

Like everyone else, I started watching the TV fat makeover show for the ritual humiliation, the tears and the drama. But now, I find myself sticking around because of Jillian, the personal trainer.

Anyone unfamiliar with Jillian, the personal trainer, should try to cast their mind back to 1991.

Picture this: Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor, in standard issue mental institution pyjamas, doing chin-ups and breaking out in Terminator 2 when she was seriously the hotness.

Jillian is like psycho Sarah Connor reborn. Where the soft, tattooed trainer Bob takes his crew out to do yoga and stuff, Jillian specialises in Linda Hamilton-style workouts.

She wears singlets that say things like bully and outstanding and she’s not the sort of person who’d let you go and have a rest if you got a little stitch. She’s more likely to cheer someone vomiting and harangue someone crying. She’s unreal.

Anyway, the gay community has one of its own in the Biggest Mansion, Artie. Reports vary as to whether he does or doesn’t live with his mum but one thing is agreed: we gays are a pack of body-obsessed skinny bitches and that’s why Artie doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Um, Artie? Some of the happiest, most coupled men I know are not tall guys with big shoulders and small waists (and a few of the biggest sex pigs I know as well, come to the think of it).

Congratulations for going on the show to lose weight, but come off it with the victim routine. Gay men are only as shallow as the rest of the world.