Could Big Brother be any more compelling this year?

Hardly. This is the season with the lot: twists and turns, twits, tits, tarts, tantrums, tears and a hot personal trainer with a big cock.

Sensational.

But to be honest, I’m not that turned on by Jamie. Sure, I’d be up for a freaky episode with him, but really, that’s not saying very much. My name’s not Easy for nothing.

Jamie’s cute and sweet, but a bit too cute and sweet, you know? Everything about him seems kind of silky soft, from his flawless skin to those irritatingly sibilant consonants. Also, the headband sucks arse.

I know I’m probably in the minority, and that many of my peers would like nothing more than to be Jamie’s bitch boyfriend, but my problem is that I’ve always been attracted to Big Brother’s bad boys, the surly, arrogant wankers who strut around convinced that the world loves them. The world doesn’t, but I do. I hate myself for it, but what am I gonna do?

It’s been a recurring pattern since way back when. In the second series of Big Brother I was gaga over Aaron, the sexy sailor with the penchant for arrogant assertions and dick tricks, and last year I was horny, horny, horny for Dean, the guy who bullshitted his way onto the show before introducing the nation to something called the reverse kanga.

This year my politically incorrect fancy has settled on Dino, the handsome Croatian refugee who’s been accused by his fellow housemates of being sexist, racist, homophobic and a bit of a bitch. What a guy. Did I mention he was hot?

There’s another bad boy in this series that I’m quite enjoying -“ Michael. Sure, the guy acts like a tool, but his manipulative scheming makes for pretty good tele, and when he took Big Brother on in the diary room the other night, I was cheering him on, because let’s face it -“ Big Brother is proving to be a bit of an arrogant turd himself, this year.

However I hope neither Michael nor Dino win the series. I’m pushing for a David victory -“ partly because he’s gay, and partly because he’s hot -“ but mainly because he seems like a decent person.

But I’d like to see him and Rob indulge in a bit of poolside man-on-man, just for the sheer hell of it. Now that would make this already compelling show completely and utterly un-missable.

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