Confessions of a lesbian matchmaker

Apart from the usual blah blah about Sydney property prices (and how they, you know, suck a lot of arse) and the whats, wheres, whys and hows of sperm, the topic I seem to be having the most conversation about at the moment is other chicks’ lack of a relationship.

Perhaps it’s the changing of the seasons. Perhaps it’s something in the stars. Whatever, there seem to be a lot of single Sydney dykes looking for lurve (or, failing that, a decent fuck). My advice is always the same: Look at you! You’re unreal, you’re hot, you’re smart. You should be rolling in women.

Then, invariably, I say something like, I know. Why don’t you go out with [insert name of other unreal, hot, smart single dyke here].

And then, when the girl unlucky enough to be having this conversation with me says no, I’d prefer someone more femme/more butch/more androgynous/less psycho, I go through a list of other -“ perhaps less (let’s be honest) -“ hot, unreal, smart or single women. And then, when all the available names are on the table, and all have received a negative response, I tell them to get on the internet, already.

Which is generally pretty bad advice. After a few months of dyke site surfing I’ve determined most lesbian online daters can be divided in five simple categories. 1. Men. 2. Bisexual women looking for a third. 3. Women, like me, with girlfriends who like to look at profiles anyway. 4. Women who are perfectly well adjusted and are looking for sex with, maybe, a view to a relationship. And 5. Women who are perhaps a little less well-adjusted who are looking for someone to bombard with emails, get obsessed with and eventually stalk.

Getting on to the internet and getting off with someone who fits into category 4 is, in fact, excellent advice. There are women out there who have met the absolute love of their life on the internet. And it’s got to be better than hanging out with a group of single friends casting furtive looks at other groups of single women at the Bank.

It’s fair to say that some of the women I’m currently advising about relationships have strange -“ and perhaps, unrealistic -“ expectations of what their next girlfriend will be like.

I feel quite sure that if Kylie Minogue met me, one says, she would know that we’re meant to be together. Don’t put that in your column.

Advice to the single lesbian -“ get a personality and start using it already. The girl across the bar, over the road, in the same record shop as you, serving your coffee, at the dog park or on the dancefloor may be just waiting for you to go up and be their next person of interest. Or, if they’re someone like me, they might have a list of women who want your phone number.