Cost to cross

Even if you have not had the opportunity to dabble in a little cross-dressing, you would have to agree the whole dress-up thing can become very costly. In effect you are changing from man to fabulous feminine creature. Some of us have numerous jobs to cover our cross-dressing disorder; others save for months to unveil a new outfit onto an unsuspecting public.

Young girl on the block Beyonce G-Spot and I recently did a photo shoot for a new burger company that is about to hit the city with a vengeance and it got me thinking. Wouldn’t it be great to have our own private sponsors, becoming the product’s own private spokesperson? The product would have a glamorous representative 24/7 and the showgirl would never have to wonder where her next outfit would be coming from.

So which showgirl would suit which product? For me, I was thinking maybe yo-yos, as it seems every time I get a boyfriend I balloon out like Kirstie Alley at a fried chicken fair; then when they leave, down I go again. We could have Cleo Coupé as the spokesperson for razors, proving to everyone that the humble razor can be used on any part of the body with a little concentration and flexibility.

Any number of showgirls could be the face of gaffer tape, showing the public that this common product not only sticks things down, but also sticks them up and back.

Penny Tration could represent Centrepoint Tower, as she is just a few inches shorter than the landmark tower in the middle of the city.

DIVA legend Polly Petrie could be the new Eveready bunny, as it seems she never runs out, and just keeps going and going. You could see a fabulous advertisement coming on just after Kerri-Anne, Polly dressed up like a Christmas ham with all the trimmings, bouncing around, singing, “Arrh I just keep going!” Moira would be seated smiling and nodding at appropriate times, letting us know when and where we can purchase the batteries, in that way that only Moira can do.

As I type this I think maybe I have discovered my cash cow. For years showgirls have had many faces – why not use those faces to sell a product? But is the general public ready to buy Trudi Valentine Aged Gorgonzola, or Penny Dee Sour Lemon Cough Drops, or could you wake up to a bowl of Candy Box cereal that will snap, cackle and pop in your face first thing in the morning?

Like many great ideas I think this one will have to be placed on the back burner for a few more years yet. But watch out world – we are out there and itching to have our face on anything. What about Maxi Shield toilet paper? I hear I give heaps of people the shits.