Diary of a desperate diva

Monday 28 August 2006

6am: Wake with vague sense of panic. Fail to pinpoint cause of concern. Check hairnet is in place. Drift back to sleep.

6:45am: Sit bolt upright in cold sweat. Realise it’s DIVA day and have forgotten to wax armpits or buy Nair. Scrabble through cupboard and find old razor. Pray.

7:30am: To flatmates’ annoyance, hog bathroom trying desperately to remove armpit hair with semi-blunt razor and no mirror. Accidentally gouge armpit while failing to remove all hair. Curse. Remember only appropriate DIVA attire in wardrobe is sleeveless. Ponder how to make blotchy red armpits a fashion statement. Curse. Resolve to avoid arms-in-the-air red carpet glamour moments. Curse.

8am: Ensure fishnets, sensible opaque stockings, two sets of heels and range of $1 lipsticks packed. Clamber onto bus to work with Coles green drag bag. Panic at failure to locate fire engine red nail polish (vital for open-toed perspex stilettos). Calm again on finding said polish enmeshed in Anna Wintour-style black wig.

9am: Turn down invitation to see Lily Tomlin live on Kerri-Anne Kennerley morning show. Reason that pre-ceremony rest and gossip outweigh potential drag make-up tips from Kerri-Anne. Reject allegations skipping KAK-fest was retaliation for KAK’s failure to appear live at DIVA last year.

10am: Further panic on realising forgot to dry clean Liz Hurley-style top (striking slashed black Bonds T-shirt embellished with oversized Lincraft safety pins). Find fluorescent green sleeveless polyester blouse in Coles bag. Decide DIVA outfit this year will be less Liz, more Xanadu.

11am: Attempt to look busy at work while secretly surfing internet for last-minute style tips. Skip images from Emmys (too downmarket) for YouTube clips of Liza Minnelli (more glam).

Noon: Skip lunch because of nerves and fear of not fitting into pleated micro-skirt.

12:01pm: Renege on decision to skip lunch after remembering slimming surgical tights in drag bag.

1pm: Back at desk. Keep looking busy while watching 1980s Minnelli clips for more details.

2:30pm: Attempt to calm nerves and steady hands while applying fire engine red nail polish to toes. Pleased to see colour matches angry corn and stiletto-induced blisters on feet. Less pleased to realise have forgotten to wax or shave legs. Pleased again when remembering sensible opaque stockings in drag bag.

3:30pm: Trial run in office in stilettos and stockings. Realise nail polish was not dry and has come off on stockings. Curse. Roll ankle slightly while attempting to remove stockings and repair polish. Curse. Am told by colleague look fabulous, but aren’t fishnets in this year? Curse.

5:45pm: Power walk from office to Star City. Stunned by lack of recognition from crowds on street. Buoyant when realising rolled ankle not painful and pre-DIVA exercise will complement slimming tights. Less buoyant realising slimming tights inhibiting circulation and drenched with sweat. Realise fishnets and hairy legs only option.

6:30pm: Arrive at dressing room. Confused to see assistant has changed name on door from Moira Mash to public toilet. Apply liquid eyeliner with shaky hand -“ am told uneven make-up adds to realistic look. Realise do not have foundation. Apply blush to shaving cuts. Cuts distinctly more pronounced. Achieve truly realistic look.

7pm: Make way to red carpet. Surprised when ignored by photographers and most of drag queens. Realise lack of attention due to need for balanced coverage. Know will dominate spotlight with several wins later in night.

7:05pm: Swoon on meeting David Graham from Big Brother on red carpet. Swoon less when David Graham offers to fix uneven lipstick. Reason that any attention is better than none -“ even from reality TV star.

Around 7:30pm: Slightly surprised when no standing ovation as sashay into DIVA auditorium. Suspect most attendees do not cheer as in awe of Moira. More surprise when do not appear in opening video sequence. Chug sparkling wine.

9:05pm: Shocked to learn have missed out on DIVA Rising Star award. Know all is not lost because other big awards still to come. Continue chugging wine.

10pm: More shock when Supermodel On A Shoestring Award not in schedule. Had forecast definite win. Realise toilet paper is stuck on stiletto heel and have lost one false eyelash. Am informed industrial strength lipstick has run due to corrosive effect of industrial strength sparkling wine. Curse. Chug wine.

Around 11pm: Scandalised when don’t win Entertainer of the Year. Appear gracious lest hissy fit irks judges for next year. Also puzzled when DIVA Encouragement Award not on agenda. Expected to be shoo-in for said award because of effortless glamour and style.

11:30pm: Head to DIVA after-party but quickly home because do not want to outshine other drag queens. Ponder how to dazzle at DIVA 2007. Resolve to dramatically boost grooming budget next year. Will spend $4 instead of $3.

Around midnight: Relax as realise $2.50 two-tone eye shadow will impress more than this year’s $1 purple effort and will net swag of awards. Chug wine. Sleep.