Knit one, purl one, drop one, stick one, sew one. Does Monday night’s DIVA madness ever stop? Well, by the time you read this the Drag Industry Variety Awards will be already over, though I’m thinking the madness will keep going at some sort of level until this time next year, when we are served a whole new dish of it.

Monday started like any other Monday, bed at 3am to rise at 9am to race into the city for two red diamantes the size of a 5 cent piece. On my way I crossed paths with six other uncross-dressed cross-dressers screaming in a frenzy -“ just a few hours to go and they hadn’t finished their gowns. What am I to do? they cried in a panic. My answer was, Go nude. Dallas is!

After picking up the jewels I made my way home via McDonald’s, thinking it was too late to get any thinner so I might as well load up on carbs as I was sure I would need the energy. After a swift McHappy meal I was off to participate in what I can only term the Bush Bash of 2006.

Lathering myself head to toe in Veet hair removal cream, I danced around the bathroom till my privates started to tingle, then straight into the shower to wash myself hairless with just a scrub of a loafer. Who uses razors any more? How 1990s! I thought to myself.

Hairless as the day I was born, I decided it was time to relax for an hour before rehearsals. Anyone in a show at the DIVAs is asked to rehearse right up until almost red carpet time. I am not sure how you are supposed to get to rehearsals, then home, get ready, pissed and make the red carpet. I didn’t make it last year but this year I am determined.

Due to deadline constraints, I will have to leave the rest of the story until next week for you to find out what happened. Did I win a swag full of awards, so many that I had to hire two cabs to get home? Or did I go home empty-handed, smiling while I said it was just good to be nominated?

Either way I can assure you I will have a great time and more than likely make it home some time around Wednesday.

EYESPY Has it been three months already? Battle of the Bulge will have its finale this Monday night at Stonewall. From 40 entrants we have come all the way down to just six in the final. It has been a huge slog but fingers crossed when it comes to the scales, everyone is a loser.

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