Flush ‘n’ nonsense

Flush ‘n’ nonsense

Like many other normal human beings out there I suffer from small disorders that to some seem quite strange but make up a part of my everyday life.

Many can remember my 12-step program to try to cure my “Never Nude” disorder, which restricted my disrobing in places such as dressing rooms, change rooms and in front of most people. After taking proactive steps I now have this disorder under control but I seem to have found another disorder.

Can you be phobic of public toilets? Or is it just dirty toilets that I am afraid of? Working in so many different clubs, I have had to reconsider my “hold it till I get home” plan of attack.

Venturing into a club’s toilet facilities can be a form of punishment for many, including me. Having to deal with the train of your dress rolled up under your arm, you jump from dry spot to dry spot.

Once you make it to a cubicle, you gingerly try to shut the door – if applicable as some don’t have doors (what is it with girls and ripping doors off?) – all the time praying that the door can be locked. If the door is one of the rare ones that have a lock, luck has shone on you. If not, you need first to wipe down the seat with a wad of toilet paper with one heel securely clamped against the door.

Once the seat is clean enough to get close to, you now try to suspend yourself, letting the smallest amount of your body touch the toilet, hanging from wall to wall with one foot against the door, like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible, dress rolled up so as not to touch the floor, all the time making polite conversation with the patron out at the basins who’s telling you how he too did drag once and looked like Vanity or Courtney.

Once you’ve finished, you try to dismount without the door flying open or your dress falling in the pools of urine on the floor. Countless times I have had to costume change after a terrible dismount which ended in splashes of floor liquid.

Should it be this hard? If you’re not using toilets for what they were designed for, what the hell are you using them for?

I know that club owners are trying to provide a better toilet environment, but who should be responsible? Management has now employed cleaners to just clean the toilets, but do we need a bathroom attendant like they have in the USA?

Then again, shouldn’t we take some sort of responsibility also? They can clean till the cows come home, but I’m guessing it’s not the cleaners who are pissing all over the floor and seats. (I use both girls’ and boys’ toilets and yes, girls, you do this also.) Do we have to put up with missing doors, no locks, dripping taps, broken tiles, hand dryers that never seem to work or are never able to be turned off, increasing the humidity to a sweaty mess? Does it mean that like many others I will have to cross my legs and pray that I don’t have to go or is it going to cost me hundreds of dollars in cab fares to go to and from the comfort of my own home?

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