How gay is Chuck and Camilla’s special big day getting? It could be the gayest wedding since Melissa and Tammy-Lynn, except for the lack of glamour. Where Mel and T-L had white suits and a giant tent, Charles will be lucky if his cucumber sandwiches aren’t stale.

Consider this: Charles wants to marry the one he truly loves, the one he has always loved. He may have kept said love hidden through a marriage and the birth of two children, but it proved all-consuming. It was the one that really lasted. No-one really approves, including an old queen.

Charles wants to have his wedding to the one he truly loves in a palace, but all he gets is a crappy town hall. His groomsmen are his embarrassed children (apparently one is cracking the shits) and the catering a few plates of cold sausage rolls because his mum doesn’t want to spend too much on it, this less-than-proper wedding.

While his mother says she supports his decisions, she is secretly worried about what her friends and neighbours will think. She has decided that she and Charles’s dad will give the wedding a miss, and just have them around for tea later on.

Instead of the typical family representation his ceremony will likely be a mish-mash of acquaintances and those friends and family members modern enough to accept his non-traditional decisions.

After his small, not-really-recognised ceremony, he can get a blessing by the church -“ the church he is a significant ruler of, incidentally -“ but he can’t get a proper wedding in front of a priest. Meantime, the church leaders are wringing their hands about the best way to deal with it.

As for his future, well, he might be married to the one he truly loves but I don’t think it’s going to help his chances of a promotion at work. In fact, a lot of his countrymen and women think he should just retire out of public life altogether. He feels tortured by his colleagues about the relationship, apparently.

Well, happy Mardi Gras, C and C, and welcome to the club. Your ceremony might be second-rate but at least you’re in love. And hey, it can’t be as bad as the commitment ceremony I went to, where the grooms read their vows from a Palm Pilot. But that’s another story.

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