Kath: ‘I want a gay son’

SSO Michael Bubl?tars in Da Kath & Kim Code. As he is a hunk of spunk, and with you a foxymoron, did that make for a combustible combination?

KDK Got it in one, but I have to say it wasn’t my fault. Michael is only -˜uman and probably was totally unprepared for the way I looked in my dance pants and character pumps. It was shocking the way he reacted to me, but it is the legacy of a lot of huffy-puffy and Yogalates in my pump room of an evening.

SSO How do you cope with monogamy within your marriage?

KDK Look, it is always an issue when you are both so damn attractive. I see the way ladies look at Kel and it makes me proud, whereas Kel sees the way guys give me the evil eye and he sees red. I can understand why, but he’s crazy as no one gets into my wandering eye for very long.

SSO You went through a myriad of dramas with your connubials. What’s your advice to our readers who might be planning a gay wedding?

KDK Maybe move it to Spain and you can have your gay wedding there, and with aplomb. But if you are having it here, keep it in the garden. Work out who is going to wear the dress, as I like a wedding with a frock. I am open to hosting a gay wedding in my back garden, Kel and I are great at functions, as Kel is in food and I have done an -˜ospitality course at TAFE.

SSO Kel has admitted to a gay past from his days in the navy -“ are there any lesbian encounters lurking at the back of your own closet?

KDK Oh God, I have nothing against gay ladies but, no, I just don’t want to wear men’s shoes. I like a heel and a colourful pump. Guys do things to me -“ it’s weird.

SSO You and Kim performed at the Gay Games, the Logies and the AFL Grand Final. When can we expect to see you do the main show at Mardi Gras?

KDK I always wanted to be on a float at Mardi Gras. When I thought Kim was barking up that tree, I would have gone on the supportive parents’ float, but unfortunately she wasn’t a Dutch sea wall after all. But for Mardi Gras, as Kel and I have been doing dance classes, we could do a mean Kenny Loggins Footloose. Actually since my accident at my wedding, my foot has been a bit loose -¦

SSO What is the biggest issue you face with a daughter like Kim?

KDK We are cut from the same cloth, but so totally different. Kim is just jealous of the way I can keep my weight down. She is up herself but, at the same time, she has a chip on her shoulder -“ a deep-fried wedge chip actually. It is a funny combination to deal with. She is living here under my roof, and she is wedged in here, tight as a bull’s bum, but she won’t go.

SSO A London newspaper said of Kim, Is there a more monstrous character on TV than Kim? She has absolutely no saving graces. Kath, please discuss -¦

KDK Look, I can say that as I am her mum and I know she is monstrous, but I don’t like other people saying it. Gee, that is only one side of Kim. She does have a nice side, although it is very hard to find. When we enjoy a glass of wine of a night time, sometimes Kim is almost civil.

SSO Do you have any words of advice to lesbian and gay parents?

KDK Enjoy them for all their interesting quirks and qualities. Gee, I wouldn’t mind a nice gay son, we could do Pilates together and swap accessories. If I had a gay son, he would keep himself trim and wear nice foxy outfits too, like the high-cut pant that I love. I just don’t have that with Kim.

SSO What designer duds can we expect to see you flaunting in the telemovie?

KDK Jingies, there are some really beautiful statements out there at present. I am still a denim nut but this summer it is in all the citrus tones. I team a lime stretch denim jean-jacket and pant with a lemon wedge. I also have a super-tight pink high-cut jeans that are Kel’s favourite. He is always asking me to put them on, then straight away wants me to take them off again. Crazy!

SSO Speaking of crazy, those Fountain Gate ladies Trude and Prue seem to really get your goat. What kind of a makeover would you like to give them?

KDK First I would give them a bit of a face and run a colour through that grey hair, and if they would only tuck their shirts into the navy slacks, it would give them a better line. I also think if only they invested in a few pieces in primary brights. I could really do a What Not To Wear on those ladies.

SSODa Kath & Kim Code features some Christmas themes. What are your essentials for a great Aussie summer Christmas?

KDK You have to go for a seafood spread. You get your prawns, calamari rings and a couple of crays. It just says Australia. But the Christmas table always ends in tragedy because of Kim, because her stocking is always half-empty. She is always looking around at what other people got and comparing. It is never enough with her. She is always the sore in the ointment.

Da Kath & Kim Code screens on Sunday 27 November at 7:30pm on ABC TV.