As soon as I say I’m never going to [insert thing I’m allegedly never going to do here] I’m sure to do it, as soon as possible. Like, last week I was saying: I’m never going to watch that bullshit show Big Brother again, and here I am, one day in, completely sucked in.

At least, for once, it’s not just my own ridiculous addiction to crap reality TV that is to blame. It’s because I know one of the idiots who have signed up to spend at least a week in the house.

Poor Tim. He’s a friend of a friend, really, and the closest thing the gay community has to an ally on the inside of the house of hell -“ despite some acknowledged bisexual flirtations of 19-year-old bargirl Geneva.

Anyway, Tim. He’s not gay, but he’s not like the other dickhead rednecks they’ve put in there. He’s a total lefty and has already said he’d be annoyed by sexist or homophobic housemates. Is there any other kind?

Really, he is such an unlikely choice for Big Brother that when I saw him going in, I thought he must have been The Impostor the BB promotions machine has been raving on about for a week.

It would be a victory for all of us if he does win, not that he’s going to. Watching him in the first episode I felt like screaming. Tim! Assimilate! Don’t drink a bottle of water, they’ll think you’re some kind of Newtown girly-man! Go for the beer, Tim, go for the beer!

So he’ll definitely be voted off, and soon. Looking at the line-up of contestants he stands out a mile: he’s short, he’s skinny, he doesn’t have a vacant expression, he’s not a boy wearing a pair of three-quarter length pants or a girl wearing a booby top.

Middle Australia will hate him, and my gay mates are too distracted by the promise of naked hot guys to even notice he’s there.

He’s not doing enough to hide his brains, either, and no-one wants brains in the inside. The rest of the housemates are incredibly dumb -“ three of the women can’t even name one character from Star Wars.

Unless he’s got an ace up his sleeve, I give him two weeks. Then he’ll join the long list of vaguely familiar Big Brother rejects. And I can stop watching, thank god.

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