Out of sync

1. Because he isn’t actually gay.

2. Because he isn’t actually gay, but he’s a little bit country and a little bit western, if you know what I mean. Now, I’m no expert on these kinds of matters but I imagine it’s tough, having everyone paint you as a shirtlifter, if you’re actually an equally enthusiastic and proficient skirtlifter.

3. Because he wants to prove everybody wrong. This is something I can relate to. Growing up, I was forever being called a poofter by the tough kids at school, and I wanted to show those big meanies that I knew myself better than they did. Of course, after some years of this, I realised that I was kidding myself, and accepted that the reason the tough kids perceived me as a homosexual was because I acted like a homosexual -“ and ultimately because I was, in fact, majorly homosexual.

4. Because he’s a radical celibate.

5. Because he’s a bit embarrassed about the number of times he’s gone on record saying he’s straight, and it would look a bit awkward now to turn around and admit he’s been lying. Ian, if this is the case, don’t fret: Anthony Callea and Darren Hayes were in the same boat, and they seem to have done alright. We’re a forgiving mob, deep down.

6. Because there’s a lot of homophobia out there.

7. Because he rather likes the speculation.

8. Because he’s worried about losing sponsorships from big-name companies.

9. Because he isn’t actually gay: it’s worth repeating, you know.

10. Because he wants to be remembered for wearing pearl necklaces, but not that rude type of pearl necklace. Tee hee.

11. Because he doesn’t want to have some tedious gay lifestyle role model tag foisted upon him, and who can blame him for that?

12. Because he thinks his private life is none of our damn business.

13. Because he just hasn’t met the right bloke yet.

And

14. Because -“ maybe -“ he doesn’t have anybody in his inner circle who is able to tell him that being gay is totally fine, and great, and that, in this instance, the grass truly is greener on the other side.