The decision to go in FTF/PATF drag (that’s female-to-female, or perhaps-andro-to-femme) to the Drag Industry Variety Awards was a very late one. It was made on the morning of the event, in a panic at the lack of FTM drag opportunities in my life. I had gone through a variety of potential outfits (including a matador’s costume, and, in reverence to the Randwick Racecourse setting, jockey’s silks), I’d tried on a suit and I’d thought of going in a lime green ski suit with one of those door snakes shoved down the front.

But after the boys at the Star chickened out of frocking up for the night -“ excuses included my feet are too big -“ I felt like someone from the office had to make an effort. They dragged out their best suits, I rang my ex-girlfriend -“ who, in the way of good ex-girlfriends everywhere, wears the same size as me and buys nice clothes. After a quick change, voil?I was all woman.

Getting a couple of free tickets to a large-tabled event like the DIVAs is always a bit of a risk. What if it’s at the back? What if it’s full of dickheads? What if it’s full of people who start barking like nasty dogs when they’re pissed? Luckily, our table was tops. As well as having the fabulous and very deserving DIVA winner for Outstanding Achievement By An Individual, Elizabeth Riley from the Gender Centre, there were a couple of nondescript girls, a man with hair like Corky St Clair from Waiting For Guffman, and a nice young dude called Justin. Or something. It was a glamorous position -“ to our right were the friends of Sexy Galexy, who deserved an award for best-dressed group. Behind were DJ Shigeki and Michael Woodhouse, who deserved an award for best velvet tuxedo trim of the night. My girlfriend -“ who deserved an award for best appearance at the DIVAs with tonsillitis -“ swore the table in front of us had one of those Gillian or Gayle twins from Neighbours on it.

One highlight of my night was going to the toilets -“ where I as one of the few women-born-women was one of the shortest people at the mirrors. Another was seeing that Popstars girl Sophie Monk in that one-legged pink outfit, and then there was finally meeting Gav and Waz from The Block. Before they presented their award, Waz told me they were more nervous than at that auction. And Waz also told me I didn’t quite match up to the mental picture he had of me.

Waz: I pictured you as short and red-haired. But you’re glamorous!

Which just goes to show -“ you can do anything with drag.

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