Ready for her close-up

I know that a picture can say a thousand words, but do you really want to have that many words talking about you?

Over the last week I have been scheduled to do two photo shoots and it got me thinking: am I really worthy of such pictures or is there going to be some poor graphic artist slaving over my face just to make it print-worthy?

I can still remember my excitement the first time my photo made it into print.

I think I actually got 10 copies to send to all my friends, who straight-faced told me how beautiful I looked. Are you mad? I said. I looked like a bastard.

With uneven eyebrows the size of caterpillars, rouge to buggery, with a huge afro stuck on my head, I was bloody scary, not beautiful.

This is a phase that I like to call Maxi of the Wilderness Years.

Back then we didn’t have the privilege of digital previews. The rule of thumb was to shoot a million times and hope to god you got a good one.

So what do you have to do to ensure that every photo taken of you is a good one? We aren’t all Elle, Claudia, Tyra or Vanity -“ it’s all in the bone structure, sweetie.

Some have it and some don’t and probably never will.

I have been told that you should practise your smile and poses in the mirror. Eyes to the left, now right, with teeth, without, serious, now pout.

Let’s face it, you feel more like a dickhead than a super model.

Let’s talk about pouting.

I guess some people can do it and some can’t. God knows I can’t -“ I have tried, don’t get me wrong. I just look more like a busy hooker after a string of blow jobs rather than sexy.

Or maybe that is who you are supposed to look like.

Here are a few things I have learned over the years that may help you be a little more photogenic.

If you are of heavier set like me, never get the photographer lower than you. Higher is better when it comes to the number of chins being captured on film.

Also, when you master your best smile, try moving just your eyes, left, right and straight on. This saves you running out of poses by the fifth shot.

And finally a hint from my dear grandmother: check your teeth for lipstick, then let them have it.

Nothing beats a huge smile even if you look like a spaz.

EYESPY Which beautiful showgirl decided to paint the town red last weekend only to go out without wearing any knickers?

I am not sure if it was on purpose -“ all I can say is everyone who saw it was divastated.

Who is the very tall showgirl who may be starring on Australia’s very own Taxicab Confessions?

Incredibly enough, she was very subdued. Fingers crossed it doesn’t make it to air or her crazy reputation will be in tatters.