Okay, you bitches, make space: Sleaze is this Saturday and I’m ready to take off.

I’m toned, I’m limber and I’m feeling fierce. A bit like that big black chick in the Glomesh top in Madonna’s Hung Up video, but less big, less black and less chick-like. And definitely less inclined to be wearing bling this weekend, theme or no theme.

That’s the great thing about Sleaze Ball: if the creative theme doesn’t suit, you can always revert to the generic theme, which is: dress like a bit of a slut, act like a bit of a slut, and dance like you’re a goddamned star.

That’s my plan, at any rate. Which is why you probably won’t find me in the middle of the dancefloor, packing heat with all those dudes who think their best-in-show bodies excuse them from the rigours of actually dancing.

I’m more fond of the perimeter, where there’s room to move. You see, I’m pretty good at this dancing caper. I know that sounds conceited but, frankly, so many compliments have been flung my way on dancefloors over the years, modesty is impossible for me now. It’s a bit like telling an incredibly handsome guy that he’s good-looking: a nice enough gesture but, as a piece of communication, totally redundant.

Okay, so that sounds really conceited. I’m actually fairly gracious when somebody compliments me on my dancing. And anyway, now that I’ve gone into print on this, I’ve probably jinxed myself totally and I’ll spend the entire party clod-hopping around with two left feet and no sense of rhythm.

Fortunately, there’s always sleaze to fall back on. And this year, with a new team of hardcore safe-sex sluts targeting men who look as if they’re in imminent danger of having group sex -“ and there I was thinking that was all of us -“ there’s a competitive element to Sleaze Ball scoring. I want to know exactly what my boyfriend and I have to do to get one of the TOM (Three Or More) Men to intervene in our sleazy shenanigans. Will simply looking like we’re gagging for it suffice? Or will we have to actually apply the pincer movement on some likely-looking third dude? Also, what happens if we pick up one of the TOM men themselves? Do we get some kind of special showbag for that?

So many questions. So much excitement. Two more sleeps! I can hardly wait.

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