Dang it and good heavens! There’s a bizarre Christian couple on crazy-manic TV show The Amazing Race and they’ve made me feel quite queer. That’s queer in the old sense of the word, the Enid Blyton sense.

Said couple, I think their names are Pretty Flopsy-Fringe and Thank-The-Lord Princess, are very sweet in a disturbing, shithouse kind of way. For those people lucky enough to have interesting lives (thereby not having a stupid addiction to The Amazing Race), it’s a show where teams of two American people who both love and hate each other go to foreign countries and get angry.

PF-F and T-T-LP are Dating Models -“ that’s what it says on the bottom of the screen when they appear -“ who share a love of the Lord and a fear of swearing and fun. They’re forever asking for help -“ like, this one time, when T-T-LP (the woman) had to eat a big bowl of caviar and got sick, PF-H cried help her, Lord, and before anyone could yell it’s just a fucking bowl of food, Princess! she was back on her feet, not twitching any more and tucking in like the horrible foreign delicacy was her own Last Supper.

Anyway, whenever something goes wrong PF-F shouts Dang it! or Gosh Darn! which, pathetic as it may sound, I think is quite funny. It’s made me think of other nice words we could use instead of ungodly curses, which made me attempt to reclaim queer in its Enid Blyton form.

Blyton, of course, was a queer fiend. Funny to think only 20 years ago I was reading about Dick feeling gay and Fanny coming over a little queer and not thinking it at all dodgy.

I feel rather queer, I said to my girlfriend, when I woke up with a hangover. What a queer dog you are, I yelled at my Italian greyhound, when she came in and started tearing things up. Isn’t it queer weather? I asked my girlfriend’s mum. What a queer film that was, I said; then, at work, in the lunchroom: I think the milk may be a little queer.

I had to stop it before everyone started screaming. Dang it, I don’t think it worked. Help me, Lord!

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