OK, I know, there are few things more tedious than election punditry but with little else occupying these pages, I thought I’d contribute my own voting guide for the willfully ignorant and superficial.

First, let’s forget about same-sex marriage for the moment. It ain’t gonna happen. You’re better off focusing your ire on more serious matters, such as the Oxford Hotel’s dreadful new pouf-ridden pokie lounge. An outrage! In the interest of balanced commentary, however, let’s explore the major issues one by one.

Health. Ask yourself, what would the candidates do for you after a three-day crystal binge, hmmm? Are you going to have to endure your psychotic episode in a poorly appointed emergency room, surrounded by battlers in poly-cotton? Think about it.

Education. Do our prospective leaders really have any knowledge of our vibrant and diverse homosexual history? What will they do to remedy children’s ignorance? Have they even heard of Bernina Bod?

Environment. Ooh, a big one. Let’s set aside the fact Oxford Street has become a grimy playground for straight boys who’ve only just discovered ecstasy and trucker caps. The looming upgrade is bound to piss off everyone, regardless of sexual affiliation. The real issue is: what are you meant to do in Taylor Square if you’re not homeless, chronically drunk or into skateboarding? As for smoking laws, well, if you don’t like smokers, move to Mosman.

Small business. What will the winning party do to support our wig shops and gelato emporia? Does the Lucky Country really need another brutally lit convenience store? Haven’t they heard of dimmer switches? And where, might I ask, are the subsidies for fetish-wear?

Terrorism. After generations of hand-wringing over our physical and psychological isolation, Australia finally has a sense of insecurity that is truly world-class. Stop whingeing.

HIV. Huh?

At the time of going to press, none of the major parties had responded to me with their policies on these pressing same-sex issues, which makes you wonder -“ do they give a shit?

What do you reckon?

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