Just a tramp
While a friend is visiting from the Parisian summer, to escape the rain and floods no doubt – we felt a serious bushwalk was in order (or head out tramping if you’re a Kiwi).
As we always manage, no matter what the most recent weather may have brought, to walk in the glorious sunshine as we hit the trails.
One must always take the greatest care of international guests who think that sunbaking in Hyde Park (London) is actually providing for their daily requirement of vitamin D, rather than acting as a sponge for the atmospheric remains of a decrepit industrialised society.
Firstly, one must address the situation of ‘head gear’. Note that this is not the same as head job, as it is designed to protect the intellectual capabilities of the outdoors participant over an extended period of exposure; rather than provide immense satisfaction during an extremely brief period of exposure.
It quickly became evident that no amount of coercion, bribery, appeal to ‘Aussie Style’ or the provision of a glamorous bucket hat was to be successfully taken up by our international guest. Let the educated Queen who knows best suffer the consequences we thought.
As a secondary measure a vast array of protective products were produced from a nearby day pack. After returning the toys, condoms and lube to a discrete location within a school type lunchbox; the much sought after protective products were procured.
Understanding by now that the battle lines were etched in the granite beneath our feet, we commenced with exotic names such as Banana Boat; which we truly felt would appeal, but was quickly rejected. We reverted to more expensive brands from the ladies section of David Jones.
Olay Complete was rejected with true Parisian disdain, including a slight raising of the Gallic nose and readjustment of the gaze downwards.
We knew we were on a winner when the beauty cabinet produced an exquisite L’Oreal product.
The ‘total sunblock factor 30+’ information printed in a two-point-high font would surely be overlooked in favour of the ‘youthful complexion in just 12 seconds’ plastered across the front of the tube.
Here we stood corrected as the delightful sense of humour of our guest floored us in absolute style of its own. The sexy Franco-dialect merely purred, ‘Ah, L’Oreal – but I’m not worth it!’
We took to the bush, admiring every step from a biology teacher’s perspective, attempting in vain to develop a strategy that would require Parisian public school secondary students to undertake field work in the prehistoric forests found all over our amazing land.
15 kms of hills, mud, fantastic excessive lunch that only lacked a fine red to wash it down, and we piled into the beat up Astra to head for the stunning smog enshrouded urban jungle.
INFO: The Nomads Outdoor Group provide a social, friendly atmosphere for you to participate in all levels of walks, from urban exploration, day trips and physically challenging hiking trips. The Nomads are a member club of QSAM: www.queersportsmelbourne.org where you can locate many of Melbourne’s gay and lesbian friendly sporting groups and clubs.
By WALLY SALINGER
Queer Sports Alliance Melbourne
