Divorcing yourself from the pain

by GRAHAM FOREMAN
Gay and Married Men’s Association

Some of you may have noticed a recent Good Weekend article titled Fairytale Marriage about men who admit to being gay after having been married for some years.

One of the letters that responded to the article pointed out that it was a shame that Greg Bearup [the writer] didn’t delve deeper into the reasons why [some] men feel the need to hide their true sexuality.

That was not what he was writing about: his piece centred on the problems of wives faced with the knowledge that their husband was gay, and the consequences, from mere family disruption to outright trauma.

The factors that contribute to men delaying coming out, even when sure of their sexual orientation, are no less varied than the consequences.

What was the state of the marriage apart from the couple’s sex life or lack of it? Did the wife suspect that her husband had leanings toward other men (some do, some have no idea)? Were the couple married young or as the result of family/social/church/peer group pressure?

Some people may not believe that such questions are relevant in this day and age, but they still certainly arise and, while broad attitudes to homosexuality still contain elements of hostility (I know, I know), they will continue to do so.

A selection of life histories collected recently by GAMMA (the Gay and Married Men’s Association of NSW) shows that, while the reasons for remaining closeted or semi-closeted are different, men who come out while still married face several common issues.

Whatever the man’s relations with his wife, the most frequent sentiment nearly everyone expressed was that they didn’t want their kids to be hurt by what they were doing.

Most contributors also revealed that they needed two things to help them get through events that were bound to have far-reaching effects on the lives of everyone involved.

One was time. Breaking up or divorce is always a long and painful process demanding a period of adjustment.

When a big change like coming out was added, taking time became imperative.

The process of telling everybody important couldn’t be done overnight and, even when acceptance was universal (and of course it often wasn’t), it took some family and friends longer to get used to the idea than others.

The men also said that they needed assistance of some sort to get them through such difficult events. They might have found a good counsellor, gone to a support group, or lucked into a set of gay friends, but nearly all agreed that it was hard to make it on your own.

Support from outside their immediate circle showed them a truth common to gay men of all ages and circumstances living isolated lives: for the first time, they realised that they were not alone.

Some of the outcomes these men recorded were happy and some were fraught, but everyone who contributed pointed out that they had been tearing themselves apart trying to live two lives, and that at least was behind them.

info: GAMMA holds regular meetings and get-togethers to support married men coming to terms with their sexuality. Details: www.gamma.org.au.