Although I’ve worked in telly for 10 years I rarely make time to watch it, unless it’s the show I’m working on or is remotely gay – like True Blood. Despite my initial reservations about watching a fantasy, my girlfriend sold it to me on the promise of queer themes, violence and super hot vampire sex! And boy did she deliver. She ‘turned’ me into a fellow True Blood watcher four months ago and now we both stare hungrily at the computer each week waiting for our next hit of ‘V’ to illegally download.

This show couldn’t get any queerer if it tried. Becoming a vampire is like ‘coming out’ – the world can’t necessarily tell which team you bat for, but the vampy mannerisms are a bit of a giveaway.

Not only that, the vampires, like us gays, are fighting for acceptance and equal rights in modern society. And when they’re not being attacked by Christian fundamentalists because ‘God Hates Fangs’, they hang with their own kind at ‘vampire’ bars! Metaphors aside, boys fuck boys, girls fuck girls, girls fuck boys and boys fuck fairies, literally. When it comes to sex, vampires don’t discriminate.

The erotic ‘fantasy’ world of True Blood has an ability to draw viewers in regardless of gender or sexual preference. It’s one of the only shows where I can gossip with my straight pals about how totally shaggable the characters are.

While I’d happily have Jessica, the feisty, hot, newly-turned vampire bite the shit out of my neck, I think Eric, the nasty ‘viking’ bloodsucker is the biggest babe of all. Must admit though, I’m so not down with the snaggy transformation this series and can’t wait for him to return to form and stick his evil fangs into Sookie’s inner thigh. Suck it Bill.

Sorry to those of you who have NO IDEA what I’m talking about.

Watching True Blood is a bit like watching porn – with a plot. Vampires are hot, hyper real and they’re total rock stars in the sack.

Horniness aside, the best characters are queer. A sassy, sarcastic lady lover called Pam, and a badass, camp as fuck, mofo named Lafayette. And now the most annoying character from the first three series has become a hardcore cage-fighting dyke. Woot!

I really wish I wasn’t at work right now. Need to sink my teeth into something more substantial.

By MONIQUE SCHAFTER

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