You both enjoyed a drink when you were first got together, and you still do, but now his drinking has become a familiar part of your everyday life.
You now worry about what is happening to him and to your relationship. Perhaps he is just a friendly alcoholic.
He pours a drink as soon as he gets home from work and he keeps one going all evening. He insists there is nothing wrong with this drinking and that he is functioning quite well. After all, he reasons, he does his job and he brings home his money and does not do drugs or sleep around. These are his defensive statements when you question his drinking.
If you enjoy sex in the evening, you are out of luck, because by bedtime he’s blotto. And sex is not the only area where you are feeling neglected. It’s hard to have a discussion about anything significant after he has had a couple of drinks. You spend a lot of time effectively alone. You didn’t bargain for loneliness in your relationship.
You are in deeper trouble if your partner tends to become confrontational when drinking. It is a common sign of advancing alcoholism. Perhaps he yells at you. Certainly he blames you a lot. You worry that his emotional and mental abuse might escalate into violence against you.
What has happened to you as his alcohol addiction has progressed? You have slid into co-dependency with him. You are enmeshed. Everything that each of you does affects the other. While he has become addicted to alcohol, you have become addicted to understanding his drinking problem.
So what can you do? If you want to not drink like he does or become co-dependent you have to independently do as much as you can to re-establish your identity and separate from his. This may mean having your own friends, getting in shape or planning separate holidays and weekends. It will certainly mean never buying or hiding his booze, removing bottles and never making excuses for him.
He will object vehemently, of course. But you have no more obligation to him to maintain your addiction than he has to you to maintain his addiction. In fact you will both be much better off individually and as a couple if you both recover from your addictions — his alcoholism and your co-dependency.
Get help from wherever you can whenever you need it and do not seek his permission in the process. The very act of seeking help independently is part of your recovery.
By GERRY NORTH
INFO: Gerry North is a gay counsellor who specialises in relationships and addictions. Email him at [email protected] or visit gaycounselling.vpweb.com
Good article. I have lived through the alcoholic partner and this is pretty much the approach I eventually took to maintain my sanity. Unfortunately, the drinking went out of control and the relationship ended but I had effectively set myself up to cope by using these techniques.