I’m lying on the couch in my boxers picking the chip crumbs out of the hairs on my chest, watching TV. Actually, I wasn’t really watching — just staring blankly at the fluff that is on.

Then, while I’m serenely lying there, Dylan McDermott starts jerking off. Then starts crying as he, well, you know — finishes. So I leap up from the couch to see what time it is, ripping my skin off the warmed leather causing me to scream for a second time with far less elation.

It’s too early for a show like this, I think to myself, almost parentally indignant. Forget explaining what the jerking off was, imagine deciphering the emotional outburst afterwards. I mean, really?

Well, I’ll be darned. These Americans have discovered that under their normally conservative skirts, they have some pretty freaky balls.

A couple of minutes after Dylan’s butt-cheek shuddering self-pleasuring session, his wife, who has been a bit stroppy lately, comes face to face with the local gimp. She challenges him with her moody pout. He then enters the room and indeed her as she stares into his pupils, all angry and determined.

The bag of chips hits the ground and for the third time tonight I send a shrill squeal ricocheting into the courtyard.

I guess it’s a few ratings heavier than ‘The Talking Dog Show’ as the mini men call Family Guy which I have let them watch occasionally.

But seriously, how would I explain Mr Gimp Man at 10pm should a mini wander out for a drink or to see why their father is screaming and giggling at the same time with a room covered in potato chips?

“Uh, kids! Great to see you up so late. What is that? Er, he’s umm, he’s wearing a diving suit! Yes that’s it, he’s wearing a diving suit and oh Jesus! Now what’s he doing? Well, it looks to me he might be a doctor in a diving suit checking her private parts. Okay guys, off to bed now.”

I would usher them out, fumbling with the remote which drops and shatters on the floor. Gimp man gyrates more on the screen as I crash-tackle the TV to the ground, smoke and glass rising from the debris.

And to think they banned Like a Prayer.

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