I have a thesis due in a couple of weeks, and I’m a bit stressed. Getting to the pointy end of the process, I have compiled a list of everyone I can force to read the thesis and give me feedback. Some might do so out of the kindness of their hearts, and for others, I’m not above blackmail. I didn’t take those photos at Mardi Gras last year for nothing.

There’s also another option: I could have my thesis critiqued by gay porn stars.

Recently I’ve become addicted to the blogs of my favourite performers, Colby Keller and Conner Habib. Both are incredibly attractive, and both maintain blogs with posts alternating between extracts from their favourite Camus novel and pictures of their dicks.

Yes, we have entered the age of the hipster porn star. No longer content with 10 inches and a six pack, the discerning gay requires a well-read man of taste and charm who can cook a great vegan casserole. Keller and Habib tick all the right boxes, and better yet, each has helped confused graduate students like myself reach academic success.

Holding a Masters of Fine Arts, Keller has posted about sitting on the graduate advisory committee for another fine arts student, helping to critique the artist’s work. With respectable publishing credits and a background in university teaching, Habib goes further, offering his services as a writing coach for hire. I won’t deny the temptation of having a guy I’ve often imagined getting nasty with examine my prose, but I like his writing too.

Alongside the expected rollcall of erotic stories and articles on the gay porn industry, he’s also written on everything from metaphysics to spirituality. I can just imagine our weekly Skype catch ups becoming just the motivation I need to whip my thesis into a turgid frenzy of hard, academic rigor.

But really, who am I kidding. Considering the writing talent on the list of thesis critics I complied from my friends and family, having my work read by a porn star would be pure, vain indulgence.

There are easier ways to use porn to relieve stress.

INFO: You read more by Benjamin Riley at SouthpawSlug.

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