By Scott-Patrick Mitchell

This autumn, lock your door, grab your crucifix, splash some holy water behind your ears and sleep with a stake under your pillow because lesbian vampires are on the loose.

Well, not really, but if director Phil Claydon has anything to do with it they certainly should be as his British schlock-horror-comedy-monster-movie, Lesbian Vampire Killers, has hit the cinemas.

The film is a high-energy affair, stylised to look like a comic book action flick. The production is so slick that you can see how the five years it took to make this film have shaped it into a flawless visual orgy.

While it’s largely a no-brainer (director Claydon himself admits that writers Stewart Williams and Paul Hupfield -” and he -” wrote it as something that would entertain us as fifteen year-old boys), the film is so camp it’s a spectacle to behold. That, and it has lesbian vampires. Incredibly hot lesbian vampires.

The vampires are just like these iconic temptresses, Claydon explained, on the phone from England, of his larger-than-life fanged female suckers.

They are sexy as-¦ like Amazonians. A big influence was an artist called Louis Royer who does all this great fantasy art for heavy metal magazines over here. They are very sexual but very powerful.

A lesbian vampire, she’s got to be the most beautiful thing you’ve seen on the planet. She’s got to have you hypnotised, like a siren. And she should have the ability to not only enchant you, but tear you apart too. You should be able to say to her -˜You can rip me to shreds, but only because it’s you’.

Lesbian Vampire Killers has cult classic written all over it. The reaction from British critics has largely been one of disdain, although there is a groundswell of support for the film. And surprisingly it’s not just spotty adolescent boys who love it -” people of all ages are digging Claydon’s campfest.

However, there were some who weren’t too thrilled by the prospect of the film’s release.

There was a website called Angry Lesbians and they were very upset about the film, Claydon recounted.

They’d never seen it -” the film was still in production -” but they wanted to shut it down and they needed to get 1000 people on their petition. I think they only got 38.

But some of the stuff they wrote was some of the scariest stuff I’d ever read in my life, which surprised me, because the film has no political agenda and isn’t really that offensive.

If anything, as Claydon admitted, the film is more likely the outcast of British horror. It pokes far too much fun at the horror genre to be taken seriously, and draws the comedy monster movie into new areas of absurdity. Overall, though, it’s a must-see bit of fun, one that is sure to have you chuckling.

But there’s one final biting question-¦ if Phil Claydon were a lesbian vampire, what would her name be?
If I were a lesbian vampire you could call me Regina Love. I think I’d love to be a lesbian vampire.

info: Lesbian Vampire Killers is showing at cinemas now.

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