Dreaming of easy street

Last night, Lord Mayor Clover Moore held a meeting to discuss proposed street closures in East Sydney.

Sadly, it was an invite-only affair, so I wasn’t able to hear the impassioned pleas of the East Sydney Neighbourhood Association, who want to take things even further.

Not content with the council’s recommendations, those heritage-minded custodians at ESNA want East Sydney hermetically sealed, making it an impractical transit choice for anyone but SCEGGS parents and 389 bus passengers.

Of their various suggestions, my favourite is the shared zone, a utopian ideal in which pedestrian and vehicle live in perfect harmony.

As the ESNA proposal states, The concept of shared zones -“ a section of road where all users have equal rights -“ is very popular in European cities.

Well, that’s enough for me! Visions of children on scooters, gay couples and Ford Explorers engaging in genteel dialogue have me shivering with Parisian delight.

ESNA’s proposal to turn the lower end of Crown Street -“ the last thoroughfare after their other closures come to fruition -“ into one such zone is positively magical.

I just hope the denizens of City Gym, after a punishing glute workout, honour the new code of cosmopolitan civility.
One thing does bother me.

As I live on the eastern edge of this urban fantasia, my needs aren’t being considered.

So, as founding president of Citizens for HiDarl Empowerment, or CHiDE, I have a few suggestions for our very own shared zone on Liverpool Street between Forbes and Darley Streets.

First, this zone shall exclude all four-wheel drives carrying fewer than two passengers.

An eight-year-old SCEGGS girl and her mother don’t count -“ that’s one-and-a-half.

Second, the eyesore of a sign on the south-eastern corner of Liverpool and Darley shall be removed.

If police will be targeting kerb crawlers for eternity, surely a tasteful brass plaque would suffice.

Third, pimps leaving chalk messages to their girls shall be required to take a basic English test, ensuring residents are no longer confronted by poorly constructed missives such as, you’ve had the same undies and stuff on 4 2 to 3 weeks. stop being such a chat ya chat.

Fourth, residents of Lynton, that blond brick monstrosity, shall be ostracised.

This is just the beginning, of course. Further suggestions are most welcome. Remember our motto: Live with Pride. Join CHiDE!