With friends like these

Normally, I’m not the jealous type. I’m not one of those tedious fags who freak out when their boyfriends get the horn for other blokes. I’ve seen my boyfriend do all manner of pervy things with other boys, with nary a twinge of angst on my part. It just doesn’t get to me, you see.

But start moving in on my favourite faghag and I’ll hunt you down, mister. I’ll hunt you down and cut you up.

It’s happening at the moment: some fag I introduced to my faghag has moved in, and now he’s cutting my faghag lunch.

It started innocently enough; indeed, I even encouraged it. The two of them shared some interests and a similar sense of humour, so I introduced the Gay Male Friend to the Straight Female Friend and suggested they should be mates.

But it all took off at a frighteningly exponential rate. The GMF is one of those friendly, charismatic people, full of flattery and wide-eyed interest in the world around him -“ God how I hate people like that -“ while the SFF is what I like to think of as a social power-bottom: lots of fun, and receptive to everybody.

The signs of their incipient friendship soon became apparent. Before too long, they’d moved off from mutual social masturbation (chatting to each other at parties; laughing at one another’s jokes) to the kind of closed-circle virtual 69ing that gay men and straight women seem so good at.

Then it got worse. I became aware of the private phone calls, the shared jokes, and, most telling of all, the shopping expeditions that took place in my absence.

What was I to do? I felt like I’d tumbled into some parallel universe season of Sex And The City, in which Carrie ditches Stanford and moves in on Anthony. The worst part of that scenario, of course, is that it casts me as the fat, frumpy Stanford: yesterday’s friend; old news.

But I’m fighting back. I’ve decided I’m going to lift my game and put more effort into being an entertaining friend. No more lounging around being passingly interesting and kind of funny: I’m going on a charm offensive.

Plus, I’ve recently met this great new girl. She seems like a lot of fun; she laughs at all my jokes, and she appears to be an even bigger lush than I am. So I’m gonna ring her up, ask her if she’d like to come shopping or nightclubbing with me some time, and see what develops.