When I walk down a street in the Sydney gay bubble, I feel like Meghan Markle, with the eyes of the world bearing down on me. Every slight move I make is judged.
If only I were as stunning and rich as she was.
You often hear the gay stare first. It’s the crack in the neck of someone snapping sideways to take a good look at you with an expressionless face. They then pretend to bury their head into their phone before making a slower head turn – to be ‘discrete’ – and take another look. Their eyes scream, “Beauty fades but dumb is forever” (in Judge Judy’s voice, too).
When did the gay stare turn into a death stare?
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It wasn’t always like this.
Cheryl Nicholas in 2004 wrote about the gay gaze. She said we stare at people we believe are gay as a “survival strategy,” seeking out other gay people in a community that is largely heterosexual.
Cheryl interviewed a number of people in gay cities in the US and asked them about their experiences with the “eye-gaze.” She found overwhelming joyful and positive responses – mainly people feeling like they had either found another person in their “gay community,” or someone to have a sneaky hookup with. Many of the interviews ended with “They briefly smiled” – and then both parties go on their separate ways.
So why have we stopped smiling, and instead death stare each other? I conducted some similar research to Cheryl, and hit the streets to ask the LGBTQI+ community of their experiences with the gay stare.
James, 27, said it’s a defence mechanism:
“The gay stare is a quick way of trying to have an exchange of, Do you want me? If you don’t want me [then it changes to], Look, I’m intimidating.”
“You can’t tell if it’s a friendly gesture or an aggressive death stare. It feels like you’re constantly being objectified no matter where you are.”
James has found an interesting way to confront the gay stare.
“Because I hate the gay stare so much, when I receive a stare from someone I find attractive I yell ,‘You’re hot!’ or I let out a bark and enjoy seeing the reaction on their face.”
Julie, 28 has also experienced the gay stare:
“It’s the look, the look away, and then the look back that is threatening. Sometimes it is flirty, but it’s mostly something I don’t like.”
Asked why she thinks we death stare, she said, “It could be a gate-keeping thing. When I receive a death stare, it is usually somebody I don’t ‘match.’ When I had a more butch-style haircut, the stares often came from the more fem people. Now that I have a more feminine haircut, the death stares come from the other side.”
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I do think there is hope, and situations where the gay stare is still flirty. Last week while I was walking home late at night, a very attractive guy (I didn’t have my glasses on but for the sake of this story, he was hot) started giving me a few stares. We smiled at each other, he crossed the road, we got talking, and the rest is far too explicit to share.
I’m not saying you should talk to strangers like I did, or bark like James. But a smile, a nod, or a quick ‘hi’ instead of that death stare may just make someone feel a little more accepted and could even lead to something more significant.
Previously by Barrie Cradshaw: 5 Signs It’s the Week Leading up to Mardi Gras.
