This is what I hear a lot during couples counselling:
“I come home every night and he is on the couch with his laptop. Facebook, eBay, Grindr, emails, web searching, porn — you name it he just will not stop using it. I hardly get a hello and he rarely speaks any more unless it is to show me something he has found. He even takes the laptop to bed.”
This man comes to me feeling lonely and left out having lost his boyfriend to another lover, his boyfriend’s laptop.
We all secretly know how addictive modern technology can become. The brain continues to search for a new experience using this technology, endlessly scanning for a hit, very much like a gambling addiction.
Look around to see people addicted to their mobiles, laptops and tablets where the very thought of not being connected to the mothership strikes fear into their hearts. See them texting, phoning and searching on devices that at one time we didn’t have, and we all survived in a different world.
I’m sure you agree that real world communication is very important to the survival of any relationship and just how easy it is to destroy real world communication when your partner is addicted to this compulsive technology.
It is very easy to picture two guys sitting down on the couch living in parallel but separate universes, addicted to their laptops. These are the guys who come to see me to find out why the spark has gone out of their relationship, a spark they once adored.
You can also imagine the same guys lying down on the couch together with bodies leaning on each other, watching television, listening to music or even reading a book, while communicating a sense of love and togetherness.
But let’s get real as we are not going to turn off our mobiles and laptops all day. What we need to do is find the right balance of use, one that helps us get the information we want and at the same time protects our personal relationships.
First write down a plan to include, say, no laptops in the bedroom (unless watching porn together), close laptops when lovers come home to catch up on the day over a cup of tea, no laptops after 8pm unless it’s work.
You get what I mean, write down your own laptop use plan. If you don’t write it down, you will not do it as the brain can only handle one thought at a time and it will wander.
Use the FEED principle to make these changes easier. Focus, Effort, Effortless (it becomes effortless after 10 weeks of change) and Determination, the determination to keep practising new behaviours. It is actually very easy to change the way our brains think and behave.
Lovers, turn it all off at certain times, make some rules to protect your relationships from addictive behaviour, and enjoy the feeling of being connected to what is happening around you right now. Go on, grab their hand, give them a kiss and close that laptop.
P.S. Laptops also emit an intense blue light which tricks the retina into thinking it is daylight, slowing the ability to nod off and preventing a deeper and fuller sleep.
INFO: Gerry North is a Sydney gay counsellor. Contact Gerry at www.gaycounselling.vpweb.com.au
