I’ve always wanted to live in a gated community. A safe place for People Like Us -“ not Them. You know Them, that shadowy group commonly referred to as the element. While I can’t be certain, I gather this term encompasses sex workers, illegal drug users and couples with small, loud children. Frankly, I’ll have none of it.

Well, you can imagine the frisson I experienced upon reading the Herald headline, Call to lock out the Darlo undesirables. Finally, I thought, official recognition that HiDarl -“ a prestige pocket that I and many other concerned homosexual citizens are proud to call home -“ is worth protecting.

The proposal to gate off a section of Darlinghurst between the hours of 10pm and 8am comes from the commander of Kings Cross police, Superintendent David Darcy. He’s reportedly very pleased with the closure of St Peter’s St, which has made the neighbourhood a lot more pleasant for Horizon residents and SCEGGS girls -“ a powerful lobby.

Perhaps the most alarming claim to back up the plan comes from the Liberal councillor, Shayne Mallard. With what I presume was a shudder, he told the Herald that locals have had girls having sex in their backyards or on their doorstep or defecating on their doorstep.

I, for one, was shocked to hear of this wanton pooing. My own backyard, otherwise known as Mont Clair Lane, has admittedly been the location of much shooting up (and SCEGGS girls sneaking ciggies), but I have yet to witness any bodily functions other than the occasional perfunctory blow job. While I’ve struggled at times to refrain from yelling out tips -“ Slow down! Nibble the foreskin! -“ the most undesirable thing about this sort of behaviour is the cost.

According to the price list carved into the working girls corner tree at Liverpool and Forbes, oral will set you back $50. Disgraceful! Believe me, from what I’ve seen, these girls display little technique and even less conviction and it’s time we put a stop to it.

I applaud the move to shut down this industry of underwhelming, overpriced fellatio and implore HiDarl residents to support it. There’s more at stake than moral (and oral) standards -“ we’re talking property value here, people! All we need is to find a suitable place to relocate them.

Little Oxford St’s lovely this time of year -¦

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