You know the Madonna/ Whore syndrome? The Catholic tradition of looking at women as either saints or sluts? Well, I’ve decided it’s time to put a name to a different type of Madonna Whore syndrome: this one to describe those citizens of Gayville who are really, really, really into Madonna. Into her, in that kinda-weird-about-it sort of way.

A Madonna Whore is easily spotted. They’re the ones who have every remix of every song she’s ever put out. The ones who think the sun shines out of her proverbial. The ones who think American Life and Music were decent albums. (They weren’t.)

And they’re getting super-freaky right now, the Madonna Whores. Despite the fact that her new single Hung Up isn’t released until tomorrow, and her album Confessions On A Dancefloor doesn’t drop until next week, the MWs can already tell you all about it. They’ve downloaded the song, seen the video, learned the lyrics and copied the dance moves. They can also tell you what She said when she appeared on David Letterman’s show, and give you a blow-by-blow about her recent surprise appearance at New York’s Roxy Nightclub.

By any standards, Mrs Ritchie’s 3am show at the Roxy on 23 October was a Hallmark Event. The blogosphere went into meltdown in the days afterwards as a legion of excited fans recounted the experience. By all accounts, it was a bombshell moment, and an intimate performance from somebody who’s seemed untouchable for a really long time. Photos of the Roxy audience show a sea of adoring gay fans, holding their cellphones in the air.

I’m here to dance with my friends, she reportedly told the crowd, before getting her minders to pull up some lucky audience-members for a few moments of stage-floor boogie.

It was another calculated move. No star of that magnitude really wants to be friends with their fans. But the crowd clearly went completely ape-shit. I know I would have, if I had been there: I would have been busting heads to get her to notice me, and I don’t even like her that much.

But that’s the thing about Madonna. In the end, she’s very good at making Madonna Whores of us all. So call me a hypocrite, but I think I’m gonna buy the album.

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