Well, they won me over this year with their fabulous posters, seven deadly sins. I think I was guilty of committing all of them just yesterday. Oops!

Anyway, my Sleaze Ball (I wanna be in a show) campaign went something like this (colour and movement may have been added but basically the gist is the same):

Dear Portia,

You are my favourite. After our show-stopping performance at this year’s DIVAs -“ many say the best show of the evening -“ I am astonished that I have not been asked to perform at this year’s Sleaze Ball. Maybe you have lost my number or I have been overlooked. I know I have slimmed down a little but you can still see me, I think. Please let me know what is happening.

-” Your fabulous dance buddy, Maxine Maurine Leigh Shield.

Dear Maxi,

Yes, you are correct in saying that the show at the DIVAs really was the best one on the night.

You were not overlooked, we did consider you, but this year we decided to give it other girls who have been overlooked in previous years. This is no indication of lack of talent or beauty on your behalf. Maybe you will have to investigate another avenue re getting to this year’s Sleaze.

-” Mwah, Portia.

Dear Fat Moll,

I’ve never liked you! As for giving showgirls a chance who have been overlooked -¦ Jesus, what about Vanity, she has been in every bloody show for years!

I will have to offer my services elsewhere, I guess.

-” Maxine Maurine Leigh Shield.

Bitter old Bitch!

I knew you would be bringing up Vanity. Well, if your name was Gluttony or Sloth then maybe you would have been asked. As it is not, you will have to just take the decision and shut up.

I am sure I will see you on the dancefloor at some stage.

-” Portia.


Well, I was seriously considering changing my name to Miss Gluttony Sandwich -“ is it too late to have an impact?

Let me know. I will have an announcement printed in the paper if you give me the green light.

-” Miss Gluttony Sandwich, n?Maxi Maurine Leigh Shield.

These emails were over a couple of weeks and really had me laughing out loud. This was followed early last week by a phone call, consisting of something that goes like this:

Maxine, it’s Portia. Ring me now!

Portia, this is Maxine, what do you want?

Are you free on the first of October?

Yes. What for?

Sleaze ball, you stupid fat moll.

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