Happy Holidays

My editor tells me he doesn’t need me till the middle of January. Time to head off somewhere for a break. But where?
How about the Caribbean — hop on a cruise ship, sail to Jamaica, smoke lots of ganja and have hot sex with handsome young toughs while they sing along to their favourite tunes, all about slashing  your throat, shooting you in the arse and throwing you on a bonfire. Relax, it’s their culture. Respect to that.

Don’t fancy it? How about South Africa? It’s dirt cheap — my white friends there have offered a house swap. Their place has a great view of Table Mountain and the most discreet electrified perimeter fence with searchlights. The rottweilers are really quite friendly once you get the hang of them. Or so they tell me.

Even for the ‘ladies’ I’m told it’s quite safe if you’re careful. There are only around 10 ‘corrective’ rapes of lesbians a week in the major cities at the moment, and as for the country, you wouldn’t want to be driving out there anyway, would you? You’d only get carjacked.

Those are both great vacation options for sunbakers. On the other hand, if you don’t like exposing lots of flesh, why not go somewhere where it’s normal to cover up from head to toe? A tan is so last century, after all.
And remember, a buff bod and a deep tan now mean you’ll resemble a crocodile-skin gym bag by the time you’re 45. Just look at any Queenslander.

In which case it might be better to go Islamic. You could pop over to Tehran for some of the dozen or so public hangings they’ve got lined up, coincidentally just in time or the Christian holiday season — a bunch of teenage men they caught having sex with one another. You don’t get sights like that in Maroochydore.

Or for something a bit stronger, I believe they still do a nice line in public beheadings in Saudi Arabia. Don’t forget to ask for a souvenir.

But if you want a real adventure holiday, I reckon the place to beat this coming year will be Uganda. A gay vacation there will give you a bigger adrenaline rush than any boring old bungy-jump.

Once the new laws they’re debating right now are passed, any Ugandan who finds out you’re gay will get three years unless they dob you in to the police within 24 hours. If the authorities catch you having sex with someone of the same sex, you’ll be in a Ugandan jail for seven years. Unless of course you’re HIV+, and then you’ll hang. So you’ll need to be super-fit and fast on your feet as you dodge cops, informers and border guards. And what fun it’ll all be for everyone who lives there!

Yes, as Louis Armstrong sings, It’s a Wonderful World — get out there and enjoy it while you can.
Meantime, have a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year.