Remember when you were a baby-dyke? Whether you’re 13 or 30, that time on the scene when you first come out is lesbian boot camp for any new recruit.

A good mate recently had the ‘epifanny’ and it’s been funny watching her do the exact same things I did in my formative lezzie years.

We went to a party the other night and of course the only chick she had eyes for was the androgynous hipster whose girlfriend was also at the bar. But in the true spirit of baby-dykes, my buddy didn’t let that stop her from having a red hot go.

In my friend’s defence, the hipster did check her out. So that, and the fact the hot girl’s girlfriend was “old and not hot”, gave my bright-eyed and bushy-tailed pal a green light to bust a move at the bar. To the surprise of no one it didn’t go anywhere – but good on her for having a crack.

When I first hit the scene I applied the same diligence to being gay as I did to my high school exams which, fortunately for my grades, was a few years later.

I went to the lesbian night every week without fail, had debilitating crushes on the tattooed dykes behind the bar and made a bee-line for any chick I found hot regardless of whether or not they were single or even gay.

The first androgynous hipster I fell for was in a long-term relationship, which just made my feelings all the more intense. I wrote her a love song on my acoustic guitar – and she wrote me off as an annoying baby-dyke. Bah-bow.

The second girl I fell for was also in a long-term relationship, but this time she came after me. I wanted to know how to be a lesbian, and she was just the girl to show me. Everything was going great until her girlfriend busted us with our pants down in their garage. Bah-bow.

The third girl I fell for was a tactile hippy whose peace and love vibes I mistook for a come on. When she told me she was straight, I couldn’t believe that my lesbian love vibes couldn’t turn her. Bah-bow.

Only after all these adventures – well, misadventures – did I blossom into a lesbian grown up. Aaaand after watching If These Walls Could Talk 2 a gazillion times.

INFO: You can follow Monique Schafter on Twitter @MoniqueSchafter

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