Emotionally hiding behind a wall in a relationship feels a safe place to be sometimes but if left unchallenged it can lead to permanent isolation.
Let me clarify this statement: Some partners in a relationship choose that rather than getting upset about unresolved issues, or arguing any about points at all, they go somewhere else emotionally to escape. It is an emotional wall where no one can get in. It feels a very safe and protecting place to be but it cuts out the other person totally.
And what sometimes happens is one day totally unexpected one partner comes home and says it is all over. The other partner is shocked as there has been little warning at all that things were this bad.
When a wall sets in for one partner, there can be an appearance of domestic harmony but underneath there is real fear, secrets and lack of true intimacy. You will know if this is going on in your relationship in you are behind the wall. The longer the wall stays up the harder it can be to bring it down but it can be done.
A good starting point is to reflect on some of the events or hurts that were never resolved in the past. Also name the things that upset you now in the relationship. Write these all down in a diary. Now make some notes on what would need to happen to address the problems and find a way to heal the past hurt? Try to take a helicopter view of it all to stay balanced. What could you also do better?
Sharing this process together will in itself improve intimacy. And then comes the talk. You will be very surprised how calmly talking about all of this will bring you closer – sometimes closer than you have felt for a long time. To do this safely set some rules at the beginning. One-person talks for say 5 minutes and the other listens without interruption. Use a timer on an Iphone. The other can take notes on anything they disagree with but must not interrupt. After the 5-minute talk reflect back exactly what was heard. “What I heard you say was….”
The aim is not to try to solve every issue at this stage, it is just for it to be heard. I repeat there is no need to find a solution for each issue. The idea is to give the issue some air. Agree to disagree, or leaving it to rest a while, is one way of going onto the next topic. Now swap roles and the other has 5 minutes to talk about their issue/s. This process will allow each partner to get out from behind any emotional wall.
If you feel you can’t do this safely together then seek a counsellor who will provide a safe environment and structure to do this well. True intimacy is about revealing personally held secrets and unresolved issues. Intimacy is about knowing that parts of you are understood by your partner and vice versa.
So tear down any emotional walls between you and start a reunifying a more intimate relationship with the one you love. New adventures can then begin. Take care.
