We would really like you to keep voting for us, but at the end of the day, you’re just small change. Mate. So that’s what you get — small change, hah ha. Don’t want to spook Mum and Dad.

Don’t ask us to change their minds. That’s your job. We have a country to run here.

If you can’t change their minds, we’ll just change our policies. Not our fault. No hard feelings, eh?

Course, this principle has a downside. It gives people the idea that whoever screams loudest gets a big tasty pacifier. I call it my ‘pacifier solution’ — hah ha.

Well, the homophobes are bigger than you, there are more of them, and they scream louder. And just between you and me … some of our lot aren’t all that keen on poofs and dykes. Or foreigners. So don’t ask me to go into bat for brown dykes and black queers … pfft, get real, mate!!

So we’re not perfect. We got rid of most of the people taking orders from overseas, like Moscow or Beijing. We’ve even toned down the Washington arse-lickers a bit.

Still stuck with the Rome mob, though. Il Pappa di tutti Pappi isn’t too hot on your lot. True (and don’t quote me on this or you may never walk again, ha ha) most normal Catholics think you lot are OK, Ratburger and his mates are the loopy ones, but our Catholics are with Pappa.

By the way, don’t expect the Human Rights Commission to rescue you. That bloody report — we had to give you your 85 whatnots after that — but we’ve made sure they’ll not take on more queer stuff any time soon.

Frankly, you got nowhere else to go, have you? You think we’re bad, try putting Pell’s puppets in the Lodge and see what that gets you. You’ll just have to put up with us, same as we have to put up with you.

You might think you’ll get more if you push me into bed with the Greens, but don’t bet on it.

Personally, I hate their stick-to-our-principles bullshit. Give me pragmatism any day. And don’t think I’ll lift another finger for you, if all the thanks I get is a regular date with the Queen of Tasmania. And you’re not high on her agenda either, she’s got bigger fish to fry. I’d stick with us if I were you.

I think we’re done here. Treez and Jules should just about have done shaking that miners sauce bottle by now.
So, I can rely on your vote, can’t I. That’s not a question, by the way. See you at the polls.

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