Christmas may only come once a year, but nowadays it’s a month-long multiple orgasm. So although it may seem awfully early, I will take a leaf out of the TV networks and bring you a cheesy Christmas special.

The star gift that everyone wants this year, the Cabbage Patch Doll of 2009, is of course, the iWed. However, government restrictions on the sale and manufacture of the device means only heterosexuals can get their hands on one.

Other providers have attempted to fulfil the gap with special products for the queer community. The ACT has just launched the latest version of their near-clone, the Not Quite Marriage 3.0. The NQM 3.0 uses a proprietary format and hence is incompatible with overseas or interstate models, such as the Tasmanian iPartner and iPartner Non-Conjugal, or the Victorian iRegister, but if that doesn’t bother you, then as iWed knock-offs go it’s pretty close. Too close, for some people.

The Christian Marriage Protection and Control Society doesn’t care what it’s called, if it looks like an iWed, sounds like an iWed, it is an iWed.

CMPCS CEO Jimmy Christian reminded the Prime Minister that he promised to ban all iWed clones, saying he’d tell his buddies never to vote for Rudd again. But the PM rebuked him, giving Jimmy and his friends a bit of a lecture, about “how nasty churchy people like you should have been nicer to the Aborigines and orphans”.

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with NQMs — they’re just not what we want. We want the iWed.

Even Rudd’s little Victorian ALPers are telling him to give us the real thing. And Greens senator Sarah Hanson-Young is doing her damndest to get iWeds under the tree.

But she’s run into tough opposition from a cartel of major retailers, including PopeMart, MyMecca and Jesus H Christ Wingnuts Inc, who are demanding exclusive rights to the distribution and sale of iWeds. PopeMart won’t even let their own employees have one.

By the time you read this, the federal Senate will have reported back on her iWed Equality Supply Bill, which seeks to break the power of the cartel and repeal the current restrictive law.

Then it will be up to The Rudd to decide whether he wants to defy his own elves and most of the Australian public, take sides with PopeMart and the rest, and block the Bill from going forward, or whether he will bow to the inevitable and authorise the release of the massive stockpile of pink iWeds in time for Christmas. Don’t hold your breath.

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