COLUMN: Being single can be a tough gig
So you are single and you’ve really tried to seek out a partner the usual ways, only to end up accepting that finding someone is never going to happen. It’s natural to start the blame game and take the whole thing personally. Next comes beating yourself up with thoughts like “I am not interesting enough,” or “I can pick them up but they don’t come back for more. It must be me”.
Thing is, it’s not you – it’s basic statistics Let’s look at the facts. If you accept 10 percent of the male population is gay, that excludes 90 percent of men. Of that 10 percent, half are in relationships, leaving five percent, and half of those do not want a relationship, so that leaves 2.5 percent. So out of that 2.5 percent of the population, your mission (should you decide to take it) is to find someone that you really like, and are compatible with, in that small percentage.
Phew! A hard job, so give yourself a break, will you? Say luck is on your side and finally there he is in his sexy underwear, appearing out of nowhere, bathed in golden sunshine on your very doorstep. (This is what normally happens, truly. I wouldn’t lie to you.) Once you have snared that someone special, now work on keeping him.
It saddens me when gay couples split up without really trying to find the answers to relationship problems. It appears easy, for some, to throw away essentially good relationships over problems that, with counselling, can be worked out.
All relationships get stale and they need re-defining. Couples need to consider after a while if they have the same dreams and values as these change. I have devised a values and attitudes survey for couples to take to evaluate this – it is a fun exercise and if you would like a free copy, just email me.
But back to the singles. Make sure you look after yourself mentally, as unlike heterosexual males you only have a small sample of the population to find your ideal partner. If you take not finding him too personally, you are mentally going to bash yourself up.
Looking after yourself means having a good relationship with you first. Get to know your loves – music, film, theatre, books, art, work, exercise, cooking, travel, and family and friends. Having a positive emotional relationship with yourself will make you feel connected to the world.
My last message is for those struggling to come out – give us a hand to improve the statistics! If you are part of the 10 percent, come out and give us the chance to meet you.
Gerry North is a gay couple and general counsellor treating depression, anxiety, self-esteem, sexual identity issues and addictions.
Email: [email protected] or www.gaycounselling.vpweb.com.au
