As a queer you’ve probably been asked a stack of times “Who would you turn straight for?” — a game that’s just as silly and fun as Rove asking his hetero guests who they’d turn gay for.
But it felt a bit awkward at Christmas last year when my mum put this question to my girlfriend and me — awkward in the sense that when it comes from a curious parent you want to be very clear that even though you think Johnny Depp is hot, you’re not gonna jump ship any time soon.
Mum always says stuff to get a rise out of people, and sensing her challenge, my gf and I were ready to play.
I responded quickly with Jake Gyllenhaal. Mum looked puzzled but when I referenced Donnie Darko she complimented me on my taste in men. My gf thought Jake was funny-looking, preferring the swarthiness of Antonio Banderas.
Mum clearly liked this game and started suggesting various other male “sex symbols”. Some guy called Sawyer from Lost was at the top of her list — a hairy, rugged dude who she made me look up on my iPhone.
I then put the question to Mum. Who would she turn gay for? It was obvious Mum had been waiting for this moment. She’d told me a year or so earlier that “if she had to be a lesbian” she found Mariska Hargitay from Law and Order very sexy.
Turned out Mum was still fond of Mariska so I googled her so my gf and I could assess. Our immediate reaction was that she was the spitting image of Mum. Mum’s just like those lesbians who date their twin!
Mum then tried to involve my dad who had been quietly reading his newspaper. There was no point trying to get Dad to name a guy so we asked which chicks he found hot. Not wanting to make trouble he just said, “Your mother”. Of course we all booed and pushed harder for an honest answer.
We started listing hot celebs like Angelina Jolie, Salma Hayek and Claudia Karvan but Dad didn’t seem too interested.
All of a sudden he looked up from his paper and said, “I like that woman from the arts show, Fenella”. As in local gay icon, Fenella Kernebone.
My gf and I cracked up. Of all the chicks, of course he fancies one of our mates.
