I was alerted to a video titled “Are you gay and ugly?” Quite a confronting video — ugly can mean so many things. Gay and unattractive? Gay and mean-spirited? Gay and homophobic?
Thankfully the video is not nearly as confronting as the title, with video blogger Sam Luigi talking about the perceptions and sometimes truth of how gay life can be superficial and nasty.
We need to start looking at ways we can increase our feelings of self worth. Self-worth from the inside out, moving away from the external focus drilled in by homophobia and hatred.
In his post “Self-esteem or other esteem?”, Mel Schwartz has some good points.
“I have come to believe that the term self-esteem appears to be a misnomer. The first half of the expression, ‘self’ would seem to imply that the esteem is derived from one’s self,” he wrote.
“Yet, if we look closer we may find that very often that self-esteem is actually attained from outside of one’s self. For a student it might come from good grades, for a businessperson or employee, a promotion or a raise. For most individuals, praise or acknowledgement provide an increase in esteem.
“Although all of the above are understandably positive, it is essential to note that they depend upon things external to one’s self. Since the esteem is externally derived, … we might be inclined to alter our personality and behaviour to achieve more of this reward.
“Admittedly being approved of or valued by others is a natural desire, but we must be cautious not to betray ourselves in order to achieve these results.
“If we don’t receive the desired outcome, or if it is suddenly removed, how do we then feel about ourselves?”
As long as we look to others for validation we can never be happy. Mel goes on to say:
“Esteem must be generated from within and can then radiate outward. When we focus outwardly for approval, we are seeking it in the wrong place. And in so doing, we subordinate our authentic being in a vain attempt at happiness.
“Self-esteem is not contingent upon others.”
As we grow and learn to appreciate ourselves exactly as we are, amazing things happen. Suddenly “things” we used to worry about become meaningless, “dramas” that made us angry start to dissolve. We no longer need to cling to artificial supports we used to think we needed.
Where do we start? Let me ask, “What have you done today to make you feel proud?”
If you’re not sure, take some time out and think, “If I did something today that made me feel proud, what might it be?”
You might surprise yourself.
By Dr George Forgan-Smith, GP
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