Last Saturday I passed up a night out with the girls for an evening with old ladies in the suburbs. Why? Because old people are tops and these ones were ‘older dykes’ — double win.
A while ago I approached the Ten Forty Matrix, an organisation of older lesbians, and asked if I could attend their next event. As a younger lez, I wanted to find out what issues are important to our senior queers, and get a sense of what my life might be like in 20, 30 or 40 years.
About 30 women sat in a circle in a community hall, chatting, drinking wine and enjoying the ‘bring a plate’ smorgasbord. They’d sussed I was a vego beforehand and had set aside a special plate for me. I repeat — old people are tops.
The ladies talked through a few agenda items and mentioned some upcoming social events — ‘Women In The Bush’ and ‘Dykes For Dinner’ — which made me choke on my lettuce. Even older lesbians can’t resist a dirty pun.
Then we got down to business — finding out what older dykes think about stuff.
The women agreed no matter how old you are, you never stop ‘coming out’ — and it doesn’t get any easier. Younger queers face the often daunting task of coming out to grandparents. Some of these lesbians were married to men and had kids because “that’s just what you did” and now have to choose the right time to come out to their grandkids.
Teachers shared stories of being closeted their whole careers out of fear of losing their jobs.
And the women expressed a need for LGBT aged-care with many retirement villages being run by religious organisations that aren’t too gay-friendly.
The group didn’t always see eye to eye. When I raised the topic of ‘biphobia’, one woman was adamant you had to pick a side, while others grumbled in dissent. There was also debate over the ‘glitterbucket’ community with some women preferring separatism over the sequins of Mardi Gras.
We talked about a stack of other issues that I’m going to address in future columns. Before I left, I cheekily asked one lady if chicks hooked up at these nights. She told me straight out the place was a meat market.
It’s nice to know that no matter how old a lesbian you are, some things never change.
Dear Monique
As a group of old lesbians (non of us identified as queer if you recall and we don’t like to be called that, sorry it belongs to the younger generation)we were all excited to have dialogue with a younger lesbian or queer if you prefer. Certainly the evening was far more engaging and interesting than the slightly tongue in cheek article. I realise you are trying to keep the article light and entertaining. Serious discussion like we all had that night would be good to see in your writing. I got the impression you were an intelligent and perseptive person but the article did not reflect that. However good to see some intergnerational dialogue.
I found this article depressing in that, to use the author’s words, ‘some things never change’. Reflection of mainstream ageism is something which should change. The writer said she wanted to find out what issues are important for seniors. Being non-ageist is certainly high on the listHecto.
Well Monique, you may think that some of the things you said about us older lesbians were cool & even complimentary but let me tell you this – you are way off the mark. A few egs. chicks & ladies are not terms this group of lesbians accept – they smack of sexist attitudes. As for that bit about the meat market – stop fantascising & fabricating. Net time you are with a or some lesbians over 60, & particularly those whose feminism has spurred them into working for a better world for women, please listen carefully & show some respect.
While this article is generally very positive, thank you, Monique, there is a problem with “old people are tops ” – would we get away with such a generalisation about any other group? Ageism shows itself in this type of stereotyping – old people are …cute? I’ve heard that many times. As an older lesbian I want to be taken seriously, taken for the person I am, rather than patronised, or squeezed into yet another box.
What? All the replies from women? That’s a bit sexist! My best lesbian friend used to yell out the window of my speeding Cortina, “we’re homosexuals”. This was in NZ before legalization. Seriously though, a bisexual woman said recently that she was sick of the debate whether homosexuality was aquired or biological. It was simply good anyway! And then there were the lesbian couples who got me thrown out of the Gay Sydney Nudists. I took up their case with the committee (I mean, I don’t care who I’m nude in front of!). Well, you’ve never seen so many men throw a tizz! They said they’d “take over”. Yeah right, like Indonesia’s going to invade Australia!
Hey Mon,
We are located in Asheville, NC USA, although we have written for LGBT magazines and websites all over the world. At one point, we were writing an advice column for LOTL Magazine, Lesbians On The Loose, in Australia. You can check out some of our articles on our website, amazingdreamspublishing dot com.
We’ve also had members of our coming out support group from almost every country in the world, including Australia. We helped one of our members get her partner legalized in your country. She’s a “Yank” who is working towards citizenship :- ) Very amazing love story there, which makes me smile every time I think of it.
Tracey
Hey Mon,
We are located in Asheville, NC USA, although we have written for LGBT magazines and websites all over the world. At one point, we were writing an advice column for LOTL Magazine, Lesbians On The Loose, in Australia. You can check out some of our articles on our website, amazingdreamspublishing.com.
We’ve also had members of our coming out support group from almost every country in the world, including Australia. We helped one of our members get her partner legalized in your country. She’s a “Yank” who is working towards citizenship :- ) Very amazing love story there, which makes me smile every time I think of it.
Tracey
Hi Tracey,
Really nice to read your message. Sounds like you do some awesome work. Where are you guys based?
Thanks,
Mon
Nice to read that “Older Dykes” are a double-win, Monique : )
I totally agree that coming out is an ongoing process, and it’s great to find out what older LGBT people have done to pave the way for younger people who are embracing their sexual orientations. There’s also the fact that because of our sexual orientations, so many of us no longer have biological families, and our friends become our families of choice.
As for biphobia, sadly I’ve seen this many times myself. For people who don’t want to be judged, I see a lot of judgment going on in our LGBT community, and a huge separation has taken place in the last 20 or so years, especially between lesbians and gay men.
As far as our rights, I believe that together we win, divided we fail. I sure would like to see our LGBT community embrace each person for her or his own uniqueness as human beings, instead of alienating the people who have already been discriminated against too much.
Anyway, before I get off on a rant, I just wanted to jot a note to say that I really appreciated reading your article, and I look forward to reading more of them. I sent a link to it to the coming out support group my partner and I have run for the last 8 years. During this time, our group has helped over 5,000 lesbian, bi and questioning women embrace their sexual orientations worldwide. Amazing what a couple of “old dykes” can do : )
Sincerely,
Tracey co-author of
“How To Be A Happy Lesbian: A Coming Out Guide”
“Coming Out Advice for Lesbian and Bisexual Women”
“Relationship Advice for Lesbian and Bisexual Women”
“Lesbian Sex Tips: A Guide for Anyone Who Wants
To Bring Pleasure to the Woman She (Or He) Loves”
“Sex tips para lesbianas/ Sex tips for lesbians” (Spanish Edition)
“The Lesbian Big O: Over 100 Sensual Illustrations”