Life according to the infomercials

Whether we love it or loathe it, it’s still the most talked about frustration on television. This week it’s all about TV advertising.

We also look at the reality shows Channel Nine is still banking on and we also discover who is about to grace our shores with their not-so-revengeful presence.

We have morning television and then there is mid-morning television. It’s the same old thing — attractive presenters with happy dispositions entertaining us with thrills and spills.

What’s frustrating is the continuous placement of advertising. Not talking about the normal commercials in between, but the semi-infomercials that always appear between the program segments.

There is always some excessively smiley person spruiking a product or service we don’t want or need.

If the networks took out all the infomercial advertising on those mid-morning shows, there would only be an hour of actual screen time, not including actual commercials. But as these semi-infomercials are not going away any time soon, and pity as that may be, they can be quite entertaining — especially when there is some hot half-naked man showing us how to get great abs.

The common products being spruiked are all about fitness and beauty. Yes, we must live in a shallow world, where no one is special or ‘dateable’ unless they have eye-popping abdominal muscles, a muscular body, beautiful hair and clear, youthful skin.

The fitness products that appear are mostly abdominal exercises and fitness machines for an all-over body workout without leaving your home, or the television set. Some sell quite well, but mostly end up in garages, collecting dust. The spruiker always suggests it’s the only product you’ll ever need, but only until another fantastic product comes along.

With the beauty products — and there are plenty — they always have those ‘amazing’ before and after pictures, as they also do for fitness advertising. As amazing as it may seem, it’s often not even the same person.

But even so, it’s still seen as remarkable. So remarkable that you try not to fumble in your excitement as you get out your credit card to order the product for only three monthly payments of, say, $29.95. Three months later, the product ordered is now another dust collector.

My favourite products on these semi-infomercials is anything that shows a half-naked man using some exercise machine that shows off his often tanned and glistening body. However, he didn’t get that body through using that particular product.

My least favourite product to view is life insurance. Even on normal TV advertising, the life insurance advertorials are very unappealing. Even if life insurance is something people have, I feel it’s something I don’t really want to sign up for.

It must be because I have seen too many episodes of Law & Order or CSI to care. The motives on all those shows are usually revealed when there’s a life insurance policy.

If life insurance is for you, there is also a product selling funeral protection.

The Voice is a show that was advertised so much they didn’t want us to forget it. All that annoying promotion has actually worked. Everyone is now talking about the show. It’s a ratings success. However, Delta Goodrem is looking less favourable than the other judges. Channel Nine should be happy with its $22 million dollar investment.

Celebrity Apprentice didn’t fare as well in the hope for high ratings. In its first episode, it didn’t even record a million viewers — which is the benchmark of a successful show in Australia.

The only person remotely entertaining on the show is the fabulous and youthful Charlotte Dawson. She says it like it is. David Hasselhoff is fine enough, and very much the drawcard. Mark Bouris, who is the head of the show, is nice-looking with the charm and grace you’d expect anyone in that role to have.

How most reality TV shows work is to have pretty people in them. It has helped make The Block much more pleasurable. This year, there are three contestants who could make anyone giddy up — Brett, Dan, and Brad. Brett is one hot man. I thought he would have gone further, but he’s now unfortunately out of the competition. But don’t worry — we still have Dan and Brad.

For all the Revenge fans out there, Emily VanCamp (Emily) and Joshua Bowman (Daniel), who star in the Channel Seven series, are jetting into Australia to meet their fans sometime in the next seven days or so. The actual date is unknown. But when they arrive, there will be plenty of media attention, especially on morning and mid-morning television.

By TIMOTHY CONNELL