Plastic fantastic

Okay, if anyone knows me, they would have to agree that I am a reality TV junkie.

Oh, it is terrible I know, but not as terrible/fabulous as the new show that my flatmate Vanity and I discovered a few weeks ago.

What seemed like a laugh now seems to rule our lives. I am talking about The Swan, and we have to watch it every day.

Fabulous is an understatement.

In a world that is soooo into how you look, this show seems to mix the wonders of modern medicine, with the desire of the majority of people to be beautiful.

So how does this show work? Each week two not ugly but quite obviously plain women with an assortment of emotional problems are given as much plastic surgery as their bodies can handle.

I have often wondered, if I could have as much plastic surgery, would I do it?

After seconds of deep thought, my answer is yes, I would want to be pulled so tight I could fart out of my neck.

The poor girls are isolated from family and friends for three months and spend hours a day at the gym.

To top it off they aren’t even allowed to see their reflections, so mirrors are covered, bags searched and even the television is sprayed so as not to spoil the surprise.

So what do they get done? Well, I’d say what don’t they, from nose jobs, fat relocation (usually to the lips), breast augmentation (yes, this word has now slowly slipped into my vocabulary) to what looks like the strongest liposuction vacuum I have ever seem.

One woman even had liposuction on her ankles to make them more feminine.

Once they are wheeled from the operating theatre the show should be called The Duck if their lips are anything to go by.

Once the healing has been done, they are both paraded out, looking like a couple of snare drums with tits, and then they are told they are actually competing and only one will go through to a beauty pageant in which she will be crowned The Swan.

If it wasn’t for the surgery and Botox these girls wouldn’t look as happy as they do.

All I have to say is, bring on the Drag Swan.

God knows I would love to have the fat from my arse injected into my lips but, with that much fat, who knows how big they could be?

EYESPY So many parties, so little time -¦ To all who go to Toybox on Sunday, make sure you drop into Fuchsia and Maxi’s kissing booth. We will be operating from noon to 3pm.

Still on the buses, I am talking about Sydney By Diva. If you want to do something different and see Sydney at the same time, log on to www.sydneybydiva.com.au