I’d still bottom for Hillary

IT was only a matter of time before the enterprising gay man behind the groundbreaking “I’d Bottom for Hillary” campaign was viciously attacked by the Conclave of Fussy Receivers.

Bottoming, for those not versed in gay vernacular, refers to the passive position in any queer coupling. It’s the opposite of topping and a rather inspiring display of athleticism that I recommend observing at your earliest convenience.

The 23-year-old Californian, known only as “Ryan”, started BottomForHillary.com and its accompanying Instagram last month, intending it as a complement rather than a satire of the now-officially declared presidential candidate, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

“With bottoming, there’s a lot that goes into it,” Ryan explained to Fusion.

“A lot of homosexuals understand the concept. Bottoming for someone takes a lot of trust and understanding.”

Perfectly reasonable argument. Inspired, even. Who’s to say young Ryan isn’t the Harvey Milk of marketing? A Frank Kameny of political communications? Zach Stafford, that’s who.

In his contribution to The Guardian’s Comment is Free today, Stafford claimed the I’d Bottom for Hillary campaign is responsible for perpetuating “bottom-shaming” which, as any professional homosexualist will tell you, is a complete non sequitur given ‘tops” have been extinct since 1997. Stafford might as well have just called the whole thing “anti-gay”.

The title of his piece, ‘I’d bottom for Hillary’ betrays gay culture’s struggle for equality, implies a writer that has chronicled a mass exodus of Bottoms through underground railroads to Top-heavy US states. I can assure you that Stafford has not, or, if he has, I’d like to know which states they are.

The basis of his whole argument now demolished, let’s break down some of Stafford’s supporting arguments:

“If you thought the two same-sex couples featured in Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign announcement video were gay, another pro-Clinton effort launched without her formal support might be more than you can handle.”

Please. I’ve watched entire seasons of Ryan Murphy shows.

“In gay male communities, bottom shaming is as common as a vodka soda.”

Dear sir, do you live in Ancient Greece? Also, who orders vodka sodas?

An “I’d bottom for Hillary” t-shirt… suggests that Hillary Clinton is more masculine than the wearer.

Have you ever met a power bottom? If not, may I suggest you frequent Gelato Messina and any crossfit establishment.

“[Bottoming] doesn’t actually take a lot of trust. However, it does take a lot of lube – and you should definitely avoid Chipotle beforehand.

Doesn’t take a lot of trust?! Is this guy partaking in anal sex or team building with colleagues at TGI Fridays? Also, I’ll demand that Chipotle slur be rescinded. Who’s shaming who, Mr Stafford?

As we begin the slow crawl towards the Democratic and Republican primaries, let’s not begin tearing down the only enjoyable facets of the US presidential campaign. We need more of the entrepreneurial sexual spirit that led to Ryan’s innovative campaign.

Moving forward: ask not what your country can do for your bottom, ask what your bottom can do for your country.