Love and sex: can we really talk about it?

How difficult is it for gay men to talk about emotions, feelings and personal expectations with their partners?

It is unfortunate that men in general have been taught to suppress their emotions instead of expressing them. The norm of hegemonic masculinity that operates in our society disassociates feelings with the notion of ‘masculinity’.

Men are discouraged from being emotional, and gay men are not immune from this social construction of gender.

Even though there is a common stereotype that gay men are more emotionally expressive than their heterosexual peers, most of us still find it difficult to articulate what we want and how we feel, especially when talking to our partners.

It can be challenging for some gay men to discuss with their partners the type of relationship they want (i.e. open or monogamous), and about sex within and/or outside of the relationship.

Some gay men may feel it is not necessary to discuss sex with their partners, assuming they are either in a monogamous relationship or an open partnership.

Even for gay couples who have agreed to be in an open relationship, only a handful feel comfortable to thoroughly explore the terms and conditions of being in this type of a relationship.

Not establishing a clear relationship agreement, especially around sex and condom use, could impact their sexual health. If both partners approach the relationship based on assumptions (that is, one partner assumes the relationship is monogamous while the other assumes he is in an open relationship), it increases the risks of STI and HIV transmission. The risk is greater if these partners started having sex without condoms before they undergo a sexual health check-up.

It is a disturbing fact that a proportion of HIV transmission occurs amongst men in relationships. Establishing honest communication in a relationship could be utilised to minimise the risk of STI and HIV transmission.

Yet, some gay men may feel reluctant to discuss such a sensitive topic, even with awareness that it can help them to protect themselves and their loved ones.

So, what can be done?

The Relationships workshop offered by the Victorian AIDS Council/Gay Men’s Health Centre offers an opportunity for men to get together and discuss the aforementioned issues. Topics such as constructing a relationship agreement, communicating sex with your partner, and exploring what you want from a relationship are discussed in a welcoming, interactive and engaging environment.

It does not make a difference whether you’re in a relationship or single — communication is a lifelong skill that can help you to establish all sorts of rewarding relationships.

To register your interest, contact the Victorian AIDS Council/Gay Men’s Health Centre on 03 9865 6700 or email [email protected]

By BUDI SUDARTO,
Victorian AIDS Council/Gay Men’s Health Centre