Why isn’t Penny Wong my friend? Gays know gays, right?

Like if you friend someone on Facebook who happens to be gay, you generally have at least five mutual gay friends, even if you didn’t realise your new friend was also friends with these friends. And there’s a good chance you’ve both shagged at least one of them. I call this “The Rainbow Connection”.

So considering Australia’s queermunity is so inextricably bound together, how is it that neither I, nor any of my friends, are friends with Penny?

Is it because we don’t hang out at the same places? I’ve been to Canberra once but the gay bar was shut. Next time I’ll go suit-shopping and loiter in the pinstripe aisle, or find the hairdresser all the lesbians go to — every town has one.

Maybe she’s become a homely dyke who’s over the scene. I bet in her day Penny was a ladykiller — a smooth, sexy law grad who gave good verbal. I can imagine her monotone voice whispering sweet nothings about “policy” in some young femme’s ear.

I know there are a few gays out there who wouldn’t be on friendly terms with Penny. It took her ages to speak out against her party’s piss-weak stance on gay marriage — but politics is an aggressive game and as we all know, lesbians are naturally good at sport.

Penny waited ’til she had the best shot at goal before having a kick. Don’t hate the playa — hate the game. Right, Ice-T?

There’s no denying that she’s calm on field even when her opponents play dirty. Remember when she took down Liberal senator David Bushby for “meowing” at her? Penny stood her ground and slammed his sexist remark. I danced around and punched the air like I was warming up for a fight chanting, “Go Penny, Go Penny”!

Penny Wong is breaking ground, even if we’d like her to break it quicker — the first openly gay member of the cabinet, the first Asian-born federal minister, the first lezzy Finance Minister mum and even a world-trending topic — if only #pennywong was my friend.

Maybe one day I’ll find my pot of gold through the rainbow connection — even if we only end up Facebook friends.

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