Bears in beaver land

Canadians view sport very differently from Aussies. It is all about the last woman or man standing.

They perform long-distance ocean swims in temperatures that require whales to be fat and well-fed to cope. The purpose of lacrosse is to kill other team members who may interrupt one’s path towards a goal.

The great outdoors leads to wildlife. Beavers spring to mind. Their clicking and tut-tutting feeding partially buried in swamps seems to suggest they know you are nearby.

Their chewing and tree-felling expertise blocks streams. Beavers use their leaky dams to turn rivers into lakes and eventually swamps before they move on. Their activities stop your hike for hours at a time.

Before leaving on the ‘Great Outdoors Adventure’, guides warned us about the majestic moose, elk, and of course bears.

Rule 1. If you see a bear, don’t scream, “Bear”. This merely scares the hell out of you and the bear. While we know what the hiker will do (run), we cannot be sure about the bear.

Rule 2. Don`t wear deodorant or perfumes. This really pisses them off.

Rule 3. Bears love, love, love food — the way it smells, tastes, and due to the threat of none for months over winter, they can never get enough. They will take you, your car and your Louis Vuitton clutch apart to get to your iPhone restaurant app.

Rule 4. If you see a bear, don’t run. They may be big, but they will beat a twink to DJ’s annual sale. This includes up trees.

In the fjords of the St Lawrence River white beluga whales played for our amusement.

Thrilled by their smiling faces, I joined them for a swim. How easy a smile is mistaken for a grimace. When my gonads have been detached from my tonsils, I will relate how one can confuse these expressions.

Aussies are used to a few harmless snakes, braying koalas in the dead of night, sunshine that may reach 40° C, a spider in the dunny. Don’t let this get in your way to the great outdoors.

Team Sydney has several groups who use natural beauty as the basis for their exercise, from hiking, scuba diving and cycling to running and boating. Get in touch with our member clubs to participate in some of the many natural beauties, including bears and beavers.

Come out and play. Find us at www.teamsydney.org.au