“I am not gay, I’m not a lesbian,” Oprah told Barbara Walters. I was disappointed to hear this. I wanted Oprah to be gay. Not because I’m drawn to gossip and scandal. Not because I wanted to picture her and Gayle getting funky with a strap-on. But because this may have told the world, once and for all, that we’re just as ‘normal’ as the next person.

The world loves Oprah. It’s hard not to. Even MADTV parodies have floundered, despite the lingering vowels and infamous weight fluctuations. She’s rags to riches, beating the odds. And people eat that stuff up. “OMG, she held my hand, I’m never washing it,” blubbered crazed fans. Yes, for eight days, we unashamedly revealed a nation of backslapping Opraholics.

Oprah’s nearly always right. Worshipped like a millennial deity and marketed like a brand. Imagine the incredulity of diehard fans when they learned their beloved talk-show queen was a lesbian. Would they be convinced that if their ethereal icon was ‘quite lit-er-aly’ gay, that it’s okay to be gay?

The cynic in me wants to bag the Oprah juggernaut. Fornicating marsupials, scantily clad Adonis’s in generously filled budgie-smugglers rise from the ocean with seafood platters. I think I even saw a crack in Gillard’s concrete soul, as she welcomed her in that colloquial drawl. And if I had tickets to the ‘Oprah House’, I’d like one of those nice seafood bearing chaps under my chair, thank you.

If only Oprah were gay. Then all would be right with the world. Well, not really.

But she does a lot of good. Equality is close to her heart, and we’d stand a much greater chance of marriage equality if The Big O was a big dyke.

I watched the ‘tell-all’ interview with morbid fascination, as Walters gushed and probed with her signature speech impediment, oozing platitudes and pouting for no apparent reason.

The point is; there’s still part of me hoping Oprah is gay. I know it’s none of my business. It should be nobody’s bloody business. But homophobes make our sexuality their business.

And what better endorsement than a les-beeshan thumbs-up from the sovereign of feel good?

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