While most gay bars cater for a male clientele, thankfully we have a vast array of lesbian ‘nights’ to enrich our sapphic social lives.

Lezzo parties seem to come and go as quickly as Ruby Rose’s fiancées, oops I mean hairstyles, so I love flicking through the queer press to see what’s on this week. Not just because I’m eager to go out, but because I get a kick out of the event names.

From the cool Tuff Muff, to the in-your-face Moist, to the WTF-inducing Dolphins Dance — first and third Sunday of the month at Parramatta Golf Club, ladies — you can have as much fun getting drunk reading the scene guide as you can on the actual scene. Although I must admit sexual innuendo does not make up for sex, no matter how good the cunning linguist is.

Fingers First, Tongue Twister, Pussy Cat Club, City Lickers — another night, another dirty pun.

But it’s not just the Aussies who have filthy minds. Bend Over for instance is a popular lez night in Berlin, along with the disturbingly titled Poopsy Club. But my hands-down fave would have to be The Sharon Stonewall Bar. Dress code, no undies?

London has Girls Go Down, New Yorkers once prowled at Cattyshack, and Parisian ladies get their rocks off at Clitorise. See what I mean?

With new dyke nights popping up all over the place, my friends and I decided to predict what names we’re likely to see in the future:

Leave It To Beavers, Slippery When Wet, Lady Fingers, Happy Flaps, Pussy Galore, Finger Lickin’ Good (refresher towels provided), Cold Hard Gash, Suck It And See, Crack Up, Dildon’t, The Fanny Pack, Vagina-Might (spread the love), Booby Prize, Fisted Sister, Punanis In Pyjamas (imagine the merch), Femme Fresh, Vertical Smile, Lezbefriends, Fish Market, Lunch Box, The Y (just because), Minge Binge, Little Miss Muffet, Lick A Prize(where everyone’s a winner), Oyster Farmer, Pussy Pound, Finger Bun, and Sesame Street’s latest imaginary girl bar, Muffleupagus.
Ladies, you heard it here first.

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